I'm better off like this...

There so much pain from the past.
That even after so many years passed by,
It’ll only hurt more than yesterday.
There is this guilt that never fades off,
And the price one had to pay is a lifetime of pain and loneliness.
Although they don’t demand a payment for being hurt.
But it was because of me that they were hurt and became broken later.
No one can picture their pain,
But I’ve been watching them cry that painful wound.
Even when they claim I was a gift in their life,
Even when I always knew they loved me for myself.
But I could never truly be a part of them as a family.
I never blame them for the hurt I got while staying,
Or even the scars that I had on my back for loving her.
Because I loved them as they were my own.
When my very own refuse my existence.
I was always grateful for them,
That even while getting hurt with this final blow,
I still choose them above all.
I choose my pain and took theirs as well.
If what I had to give, could shine a light of hope in their soul,
Then I don’t see my lost as something hurtful to bear.
People don’t understand my reason of letting go,
Nor will they understand my sacrifice as a child.
But what I given them is nothing compare to what they did for me,
A nobody whose mother wishes she’ll just die sooner.
I admit but still... in the mitts of being here by myself with no one.
I still believe I’m better off like this without them here with me.

To his new Girl

I’m sorry that you hated my existence in his life.
Apart of him that filled with memories of me.
The side of him that will always remind you of me.
The way he kept running towards me then.
I know how much you hated that.
But please forgive us, forgive me.
It’ll take time of him to forget,
It’ll take great courage for me to let it go.
But know this well if you love him so.
That I choose to leave him,
Because he loved you more than me now.
My love for him ended the day you came in to this picture.
I always knew he wanted you then,
But it’s me whom tried my best to hold on as long as I could.
But now I know I cannot make him mine again.
If his heart is not here with me,
Then there is nothing more I could do for us..,
To make him stay is cruel.
To keep holding on is painful.
Blame me for being weak and irresponsible,
For not able to free him from this love.
But he’s with you now,
I’ll take my leave and hope he’ll be happy then.
If you do love him like I know you do.
The simplest thing I would ask of you.
Is to have faith in him.
To love him always and be there for him.
His happiness is all I pray for.

Just Another Memory

It was like yesterday,

Everything was perfect again.
That moment came back,
And my life got so much better.
It was like yesterday,
That all the pain vanished.
The hurtful words evaporated to the sky,
And I’ve lived once again.
It was like yesterday,
Everyone’s here to stay,
Happiness is coming back.
And I breathe again.
It was like yesterday,
The sun still shines,
When the rain pours,
And the rainbow makes me smile again.
It was like yesterday,
That time became worth living with,
All happiness snapped to pictures,
And I kept them close like they were gold and jewels.
It was like yesterday,
That I finally live,
Finally breath,
Finally smile...
As this last picture I took, turns to a memory.

Something worth..

Never question me about my love.
What I could give for her,
What I did for her love.
Nothing compares to the years she spent waiting.
The love I desire, the heart I’m dying to love in return,
They can never match hers.
Her every sacrifice,
Her lifetime happiness, her family...
She gave them all away for me.
Who could never love her the way she did for me.
If my lies can release her form this burden,
So be it.
At least the one, who pretended to not love, is me.
I’ll take all that pain from her,
Take it all away and replace them...
All my happiness I’ll give them to her.
My life... I give it all if I have to.
But I’ll never would let her shed another hurtful tear for me.
I come to understand one thing while facing death with you; that is
“If you could love, love with all your heart and not regret it.
Give them your warmest blessing if you must let them go,
But pray for your love,
That someday when love comes knocking on their doors again,
Be brave, accept them because while you had to leave her here...
This love that comes might just be worth waiting for.”

Goodbye has finally arrived, what do they know.

Try, try just try...
Reach out your hands and place it on mine,
I’m standing here long enough waiting,
I always will be here waiting...
Even when you choose to turn away,
Even if you choose to leave first,
Just promise me you at least try,
To hold my hand even if it’s the last time.

If we were going our separate ways,
Even if we were force to leave,
This one last moment,
Promise me you’ll try your hardest to be here,
Before we move away from this love.
Try your best to keep this words,
Even when i knew you’re not good with promises.

Lets spent this one moment,
Praying that this will last,
So pray that time would stop moving even for a minute,
Pray that we both stay strong,
Removing all this pain,
Hiding all the tears,
And only using our heart to keep this moment forever.

As this minute comes to an end,
Take this time to look deep in each others eyes,
And tell ourselves,
This longing to love and beloved in return,
Let god knows we are pained by it,
So please take this longing away,
Because once this ends,
We can’t bear anymore pain of hurting ourselves as well as them.

We choose whom to love,
And how to love them in return.
We can say “ oh! We tried our best.”
But it’s just never enough.
We can’t be selfish,
Because if we both stay here and loved,
Others will be hurt by this torture.
We can’t hurt the world because we both loved.

Let it be, let it go...
It’s time we turn away,
Bring along this heavy weighted emotions.
And hide this pain well.
Since we both make the decision to leave it here,
Then we both must carry this pain.
Let all this go, forget it if we can,
But if we can’t, then hide them well.

For all we know, this secret.
This love, is ours to keep in the first place.
No one can take it away from us, not even them.
We choose what we are, what to love and what to let go.
So please give us the time and patience.
Because letting this love go is not easy .

What i understand about Us

The toughest love,

In the most difficult times...

It’s hard for me to say these words.

But I’ll say them anyway.

The only thing that would hurt me is you.

The only pain life could ever inflict to me,

Is knowing that I hurt you.

It’ll become unbearable.

So hurtful that I rather not live no more.

“I Love You.”

These are not empty words.

This is me telling you my life has only one love.

This love that I can and only will give for you to hold.

I’ll give you my heart.

Keep it safe with you all times.

Even if I went away,

I’ll come back the soonest I could...

Before you even could even miss me a minute long.

For every night, for every day...

I’ll be so close to you holding you,

Releasing my stress of missing you.

Even while watching you in front of my eyes.

I can never imagine my days away from you,

Even for one second,

Without brushing my fingers on your skin.

I could lose my mind.

give up my heart.. my love

This probably all I dream
When I wake up you’ll be back with me
I try to reassure my broken heart
You are walking further away from me
And I stand here
Crying watching you leave,
I feel sorry for myself
Even if I love again and meet someone else,
I can’t meet someone like you again
No matter how many times I say that and cry
I want to see your face
I really don’t like me this way,

If you really loved,
If you loved me
Turnaround once, even if it is while you’re leaving
This is one thing you need to know
Just listen to these words and then leave,
Even if you meet someone better,
Don’t forget me...
me here kneeling on the street,
Crying hard because i’m hurt.
You use to say i was like a gift, God sent to you.
One that makes you live again.
But when you kept saying “it’s all in the past”
All my effort seem such waste.
Did i waited this long to see the truth i should hear of three years ago?
But why when you hug me, the touch felt so warm.
That even those cold words you kept saying.
Felt like nothing as i heard them.
But if you really want me to go,
Then continue to hurt me, so i’ll give up.

Time.. i need them

Give me time.
Time to make my decisions right again,
Give me time,
Time to a mend my ways,
Give me time.
Time to put pieces of me back together.
Don’t rush me endlessly.
Let me take my time to patch my life again.
Or else I’ll always stay broken like this.

Give me time,
Time to start from the ground,
Where I fall countless of times.
Give me time,
Time to dream again.
Give me time,
Time to hope again.
Don’t put me down.
Help me by encouraging me.
Or else I would become worthless.

Give me time.
Time to love myself again,
Give me time.
Time to appreciate my strength in me
And accept my weakness
Give me time.
Time to endure this pain.
Don’t give up on me,
Hold on to me by keeping faith in me.
Or else I’ll loose myself...

I promise everyone this,
If you all would give me the time and this opportunity,
To have the courage to press the reset button in my life,
I promise I work twice as hard in finding myself,
As whom I was before I met her.
I know this time and chances are all given to me.
Please have patience with me.
I promise you this would be the last.

one Last

This one last,
Before we turn away and walk this road,
Leaving behind our lives,
The time we wasted trying to fix it,
The love we cannot savage after getting hurt.
Broken and un amendable heart was what left behind.
This one last,
Let’s spent this one moment,
Saying things we should have said,
While looking at each other,
And all those tears that kept falling.
Let us both wipe it away for each other.
Say it all before this last moment fades.
This one last,
Breaking this ties, Isn’t that hard,
The distance can only gets wider,
But the pain can only remain.
The hurtful lies we kept saying,
The thing we did to hurt each other,
Please take it away,
For this one very last time,
That we both stood here,
Take this guilt and hurtful lies away,
Take this pain and hid it well,
Until this one last time ends with the day,
Lets us both try our best.
To love this last times,
And leave it all behind when the sun set comes,
The night will come as we part to a different destination,
A place where there’s no you, and no me in it.
Then pain... will come again,
But the future will heal them.

Cinta.. biarkan lah...

Cinta.
Biarlah ia pergi...
Pergi meninggalkan segalanaya.
Sesuatu yang telah berakhir...
Berakhir dengan kenaggan manis.
Biar pun sepuluh tahun berlalu,
Kenaggan itu tetap ku simpan.
Biarlah ia menjadi rahsia.
Rahsia di hati....
Hanya hati ini akan tahu ertinya.

Cinta.
Biarlah ditinggalkan,
Di tinggalkan selamanya.
Segalah impian sudah musnah.
Bersama janji-janji kosong.
Jangan simpan harapan.
Harapan yang tak menjadi...
Kerana hanya hati yang terluka.
Terluka kerana perasaan ini.

Cinta.
Jangan pernah datang lagi.
Tinggalkan daku sendirian,
Sendirian menaggung sepi.
Hati ini dah tak tahan disakiti.
Kerana terlalu mengiginkan ia disisi...
Maka hati hancur berderai,
Kerana pertalian ini.
Semuanya berakhir di pinggir jalan.
Keadaan tak akan pulih seperti dulu.
Cinta.. oh cinta...
Aku rela melepaskannya pergi.

Er Chi's love goodbye

Tell me you’re regretting it.
Tell me you’re hurt.
I could tell by looking in your eyes,
The pain I inflicted to you.
You took all the pain for me.
You said I still have a tomorrow if as long you’re with me.
I did, and ever since,
I always want to have you here,
Sharing my tomorrow with me.
But all day long,
I watched you cry the same tears,
Because of what I did.
I remember I said that I’ll protect you.
But these words seem to only be empty words.
I saw you cry for my every action.
The burden you carried with me,
I know they are wearying you off.
I wouldn’t say I try my hardest.
Because no matter how hard I try,
Your crying face was what I saw in the end.
It’s not that I never tried to wipe those tears away,
I tried, but every time I stretch out my hand to grab yours,
You seem so far from me.
And someone else seems to catch you first.
I don’t blame him nor do I blame the distance.
But I blame myself for not being there first.
But now as I stood here.
Watching you cry this painful love out in his arm,
I’m certain, that I shouldn’t make you stay here with me.
Because as I admitted to the world to accept her love,
The decision alone alredy tell us both so much is lost.
I couldn’t live pretending to be that greatest wall for you,
I couldn’t even run to you when your heart starts breaking apart.
How can I have a tomorrow with you?
If all I ever given you was a tears and this heartbreaking love.
For the last time...
Accept this biggest pain I’m giving you now,
Telling you to let go, stop trying.
This ending would make us both give up.
Don’t try to change what I decide,
Because staying with you longer will only bring more unhappiness to us.
I rather we both cry for this last moment,
Instead of standing behind you watching you cry,
Which only cause my heart to break even more.
So leave now, I use this cruel method to hurt your heart.
So leave, leave before I become weak again.

Don't deny that hurts.

It’s not whether my heart hurts or yours.

When it comes to loving someone,

The best outcome is the happiness we attain from.

When love itself becomes hard for us,

Don’t deny the pain gets harder to bear.

It’s not about loving that makes it difficult,

But the denial in facing the truth about his or her heart,

That maybe... just maybe...

The one we love can never truly love us in return.

We can say the same words repeatedly,

But still we can never be so certain,

That the heart of another, we tried to hold so badly,

Is ours to keep.

Don’t hide the fact about the one you love,

With a love they had then is so strong,

Are you really sure this is alright for us all.

Have you ever tried to look through their eyes?

That tears so much for their love that already left.

The struggle they had to lie to themselves,

To keep them from holding back,

The word they kept saying,

Like everything had already ended.

Or the things they did for the others to be happy.

Don’t tell me things that you only say them for yourself,

Because while standing before you,

Hearing you speak those word,

Clearly tells me, you...

Your heart is almost broken.

Heavenly Forest - Love

It wasn’t too late to love her at all.
To love her first.
Is to live in her heart.
To breathe the same air,
To dream the same dream.
Even if she had to leave.
Even if she left with no reason.
I knew she needed to go to live, to love.
It was our first learning to love.
But what she gave me,
Was a dream that someday I know I’ll catch up with.
A memory that is short but,
A treasure I wouldn’t offer for anything to exchange.
Even if what we had was little.
But these little things,
They taught me to live with and without her,
To breathe when it becomes tough,
To love even when being hurt.
The way she loved me in her silence.
I felt it through the image,
That she capture and imprinted in her heart.
Now looking at them,
Gosh... I felt it.
The vibe of love that I missed so much.
Tracing back every moment of her life since the day she left.
I missed her, her little lies.
But now I know that she misses me just as much.

What he had to give... for love

He’s sacrificing again.

He already gave so much.

So much that it cause him his dreams, his love.

He given all he could to stay here, holding back.

While looking at you crying at someone else.

But all he ever got was a broken heart,

Another crying image of his love...

What can be more hurtful?

What can be more painful?

Another love you say would come.

But can he truly love another,

If his heart can only have you.

Still... he force himself,

Force a smile that has no emotion in it.

Force a laughter that holds no happiness in it.

How can he keep it all inside?

When he barely had enough strength to breath.

But still, look at him.

Do all the things to keep himself from crying out.

Clenching his fist and gripping the pain from within.

Closing the door to his heart and numbing this pain.

Look at him, at how he love someone whom he cannot love.

Deep inside he kept praying

“I’ll let you go, so Please promise me, you’ll always be happy.”

Life's a Story book...

What we cannot see in ourselves,

Is reflected as we look at a mirror...

When we fail to see a reality,

Beneath the tales that run thru our lives,

There is always someone,

Someone who suddenly came to the picture,

And tell you what you see is just a passed by chapters.

Like in a story book...

When you fail to read between the lines,

You’ll never understand why certain character,

Plays their role that way,

Why some continuously get hurt and suffer,

When another always win every fights.

Books are a reflection of real life.

The things you read about,

Is the same as what we see with our naked eyes.

We all grief over certain things,

We all smile over the happy memories.

But the best part about every chapters,

Is how at every fall,

You learn to get back on your feet again.

Not that Bad... to say my farewell

It wasn’t that bad...
It’s not the worst I had to go through with...
The lost I felt from letting them go.
Is a secret the world already knows of.
I told the world, my heart...
That even when the wound here [my heart]
Even if they don’t heal,
I believe time will slowly help numb them.
I believe God would take the pain away.
And everything will get better again.
This day on, till tomorrow then forever.
I’ll carry on living this empty hole in me.
I’ll have no regrets on what I choose to let go.
Because I’ll always forever would keep them in my prayers.
The best gift a child could give her Mother,
Is an everlasting prayer for her happiness.
It may not be much,
But it’s sufficient to last a life time.
Even God say, “When you pray for someone’s well being,
It’s as good as asking to be forgiven.”
I know I may lost something now,
But someday this empty hole,
Will be filled with a new hope and dreams.
And from that hope the wound here would heal on its own.
So if you ask me now,
“In ten years time would I regret not giving us a chance to be a family?”
My answer would be” No... I don’t regret it.”
Because somehow I know we were happy the way we are now.

Dear Family...

Mum...

I wish really wished we never have to meet again.

There is so much I wanted to know. But let’s just say I didn’t have the courage to ask all that you have buried beneath the world. I didn’t want to stay and continue to watch your hatred that run down my soul. So here I am.... finally giving up. I will not keep you here for myself. And I hope by me leaving it’ll give you some peace in your life.

I hated myself because of you; I hated myself because you make me envy my brother. But I guess it doesn’t matter now. I already give “him” back to you. One thing I learn from all this is, I shouldn’t keep whets not mine. Maybe we are not meant to be a family that I yearn so much. But I certainly do know one truth... It’s a lost that we became like this in the end.

Remember when I say “I will never forgive you.” I take them back. I come to understand that if I choose to move on... I must let you go, and by letting you go means forgiveness must come as an ending to a past. I wanted to close this door and open fresh new ones. One that has no image of you in it. Yes, I forgive you... even when my heart tells me you don’t deserve it at all.

My uncle, he told me something yesterday, after going through so much, I deserve to be forgiven and forgive, I deserve some happiness for myself too. He told then, “that God is fair”. Even he made me struggle thru so much pain and unhealed wound... “God is kind”; He’ll make everything better again. So I’m certain in future, that everything will become good again so I will never regretted doing what I did for you. I suppose now, we don’t own each other anything... so goodbye.

Step Dad...

I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.

These words they are the most hardest to say. But I’ll say them out for you.

You were like the best gift in my life. You accepted me when my own mother refuses me. It hurts a lot here “my heart” when I wounded your pride as a father. I’ll never forget how I made you cry that day. How bitterly each times those tears flow.

I’ll always cherish the smile you gave me. Even when all this happiness lived short. Know this well, those were the best memories I had. At least now I wouldn’t yearn so much to be creased by a father. For all those nights that you came over and took care of me. I know my mum hated it. But still did came over these few nights and give me a gentle kiss on my forehead. I’ll miss those.

I’m just so sorry that we cannot be a family that you dream of so much. I know I once promise that I’ll try my best to make mum accept me. But forgive me now that I’ve given up those dreams. I will not hold her back any more. She is not my mother. She’s faizal’s mum... not mine. I don’t have the right to keep her. I hope you understand this.

Please don’t come to see me anymore because if you do, I’ll run away again. I promise mum that I will not take any of you away from her. I told her that I’ll be leaving first this around. At least it would not hurt so much as it did when I watch you all leave that day at the airport.

So Dad... this is my last time calling you that. Could you promise me something! Promise me you would not blame Mum for me leaving. Don’t hate her for all the pain she gave me. Love her because she deserved it after all the suffering she had to go through for hiding my birth from you... Promise me ok. Take care... I’ll love you always. Goodbye.

Your child... with love, Ain.

Todays the day...

It's almost time, time for me to go...

But the person i yearn to see is not coming...

I know she'll never come , so is he....

I predicted today would be a warm day,

but as i'm looking outside the window,

The blue bright sky slowly fades away.

The clouds are turning grey and heavy...

and the sun seem to sank into the thick dark clouds...

The rain is coming.

The rain is almost coming,

The land will soon flood with the tears from the sky,

Someone once told me,

" If it rains outside, Somebody out there just got their heart broken.."

It begins to rain now...

Slowly it became heavy...

Soon even the outside world turns dark and cold from my sight.

Even my warm room seem so cold here.

It's almost time for me to go...

I turn away and look at the mirror,

What I saw was a crying face of myself...

Then I thought of the rain,

Maybe that "Somebody" was actually Me...

Past... turn back

There will be so much lost if you don’t turn back.

If you don’t learn to understand the past,

There’s so much you’ll end up losing.

There will always be a part of you that says “you’re regretting it”.

Not because you lost it.

But because you never treasure it.

There is a certain truth that becomes lies over the years.

There are these truths that will crease to disappear.

Some truth still struggle to be known.

Forever there will always be this someone,

Who would make all the good vanished,

And the bad will keep coming.

If you never learn to trust what your past have,

Then the future will always stay the same as before.

You can only see yourself in the mirror,

But you’ll never will see others in the picture.

People, they come to you like a gust of wind,

The wind will come and goes on its own,

But they never will blow the same place twice,

With the same wind that already left.

If regret should come and stay...

Know this well...

It’ll never leave even when you are at your breaking ends.

Cruel Love...

No, no...
It’s just too much, too much.
It hurt, oh it hurts,
It’s not fair... not fair.
What should I do? What to do?
I cried that day,
I cried till my heart content.
I cried till my heart drowns with sorrow.
All this pain sticking in me,
It hurts so badly,
So much that my heart becomes numb.
I scream out loud to God.
“Why must you do this?”
“Why must you take it away from me?”
I can’t take it.
I sit on the floor of god house...
And cried miserably.

In this box of confession.
I look at my love,
And cried bitterly.
As i speak the truth about my past.
How did it become like this.
I ask myself this.
He gave me his heart.
And now, I’m about to tear it apart.
How can I hurt him?
Hurt him because of my past.
Why must he want me so much?
Why must he make it harder for me?
Why must he care so much about me?
I can’t let him go, I’ll die without him.
Please... Oh please...
I beg of you... don’t take it away.
I rather not live if I’ve part from him.
My life will become meaningless....
I’ll become pathetic...
Oh God... if you want to take it away...
Take my life instead.

-UnWanted

Dying...

Dying... is not so bad.
Maybe it’s difficult for you to understand,
Why I desire to leave this world so much.
I could not live knowing that I’m hated.
I was always not known of my existence.
So what difference does it makes it I die here,
I hate living in a world where no love is pure,
The love people kept speaking of,
Is just empty word in promises?
And a tool used to gain revenge to satisfy their thirst of hatred.
So now...
That life became meaningless to live...
Let me be, let me die,
I took this knife and swear to my soul,
My most despair moment,
I tell my soul how dying will free me,
So as i held it near my heart,
With no regret I stab it in me.
This last few breath I take,
I saw myself reflected in this mirror...
Blood kept pouring out of me...
But I couldn’t help to smile.
Look I say in my stabbed and torn heart.
“I’m glad I was here to love once before,
I had my whole heart torn and broken.
Even when that entire affair was a lie, I really did love him.
This blood reminds me of my tears...
Now that I’m dying, I’m glad this pain finally wears off.”

Mother's worth... A child's cry

God made mothers,
To love and cherish their sacrifices,
He then carved them with the palm of his’ hand,
Then gave them a piece of His’ own heart...
That gave them willpower to endure and to love and to give...
Mother’s are noble being that god loved
And over watched their every sacrifice.
God said that each time a mother cries...
The ocean will flood with their pain,
Causing a storm that washed off island wide sorrows.
That is what He said...

But what happen if the one who tears the most,
Is not the mother? But the daughter?
Who never ask for anything more but love...?
What would God say about a child...?
Who kept harbouring a dream that would never come,
Who looked at her past and live so painfully,
Whose heart can never love because of a women call mother?
What would God say about her tears?

Her tears that never stop flowing,
Her eyes that show the torturing reality of her life,
In which, every step she takes...
Her tears will accompany her,
They slowly weaken her sight,
They swell up her heart by each drop.
Her tears...
Have anyone asked how long has she been crying?
Or how long more must she cry before it finally stops?

God loves mothers...
But I was told God loved His’ children more...
All his’ child were gifts from heaven,
The purest being, so pure that he made them with tender loving,
Someone once told me...
No matter how noble a mother’s love is,
By leaving her child like this, is already a sin.
So now... how much does her child tears worth in this situation?

promise

Please understand,
Understand my troubles,
Understand my feelings,
Understand my pain,
Understand my heart... my love.
I cannot hold it anymore.
So blame me if you must. But...
Don’t hate love for the pain i’ve imprinted in you,
Don’t hate love for all that bad memories i gave you,
Don’t hate love because I left you here broken.
Hate me all you want.
But don’t hurt yourself.
Because it you do...
It’s the pain that I cannot take.
It’s bad enough that,
I had to leave you here for that reason.
The reason that i cannot explain.
It’s a secret that i cannot reveal.
I don’t expect much.
But just a single promise i want you to keep.
“No matter how the ending would be...
Promise me you’ll live your life the happiest you can.”

Silent

Don’t

Don’t turn back, I tell myself that everyday...
But why is it, that every sight of her from my memories,
I kept looking back at what I left behind.
Don’t forget, I tell myself that everyday...
But when I yearn to be hold by her,
My words... I forgot them already.
Don’t hold on anymore, I tell myself that everyday...
Still, whenever I saw a glimpse of hope,
In her action and be mine again...
My faith betrays my pride by making me cling on for more...
Don’t be hurt, I tell myself that everyday...
But when it’s her... I forgot my words,
And always end up getting more hurt by what she did.
Don’t cry... I kept reminding myself that everyday...
But why is it that thought of her,
Brings so many tears to my eyes.
Don’t... Don’t ever forgive...
I promise myself I never would...
But I can never seem to keep my promises...
Because I love her too much,
That even when the most painful of pain,
And the most hurtful of betrayal.
A mother gives her child; I choose to forgive her,
Because i wanted her life to be better,
Even without me in her life.

Stop... Please Stop.
Don’t live your life like a pathetic child,
I tell myself now and forever,
Because i must wake up to realise,
That no matter how much i pray for her to stay,
She never will... i should never loved her too much,
I should never want her in my life,
I should never kept her with me,
So if i choose to move on without her,
Would happiness stay with me longer?
I deserve to be happy, don’t i?
So i must still learn to throw all of her out of me
Time... oh dearest time...
Tell me you’ll make it better for me,
Tell me you’ll teach to live better,
Tell me you’ll take all my pain away,
Promise me you will...
Time, no matter how long you take,
Please show me a life where there is no memories of her,
And no more pain from all the past wounds,
Help me heal them so i could forget...
I will try my hardest, that is my promise....
So don’t... don’t leave me here by myself again.

Heart... One last beat

I only have one last breath...
One last moment,
One last chance,
One last touch,
And one last beat in my heart...
With only having this one last till forever...
I must still force myself to hide my love...
He must never know my true heart,
Nor must he ever hear the secret beneath my lies.
I couldn't say out my love,
Because I didn't want him to hang around long enough,
Only to watch his own heart tore apart,
Because I had to leave.
I’m leaving not because I hate it...
But because my time has arrived.

The most broken part of me,
Is the stabbing pain in my heart?
When I let him go to her...
Her whom I’ve choose to replace me.
In his heart...
I knew from that moment on...
There’s’ no turning back for me...
I must grip my hand and watch him leave...
I couldn't love him,
Because my heart has already broke...
I don’t deserve to be loved at all.
I’m hanging by a moment,
Till my end comes to me...

With so little time left,
How could I tell him about my heart?
When I’m breathing only to stay here longer...
And my heart is like a ticking bomb...
It’ll only take one last beat....
One last beat from my heart,
And I’ll disappear from this world...
How can I give him my weak heart?
When it barely had enough life,
To sustain my soul...

Even when i'm desperate...
I still wouldn't tell him about my heart...
I rather he not know about it,
And watch him cry in regret,
When I lie about my love that was there for him...
It’s my way of saying goodbye...
My way of bringing two people,
Who share this last moment of my life?
The happiness they deserve above my own...
Don't blame God for taking it way,
I’m just thankful that till my last breath,
He finally gave me someone to love...
Even when He knew my time is ending...

Bleed

Bleed
I want you to bleed for me,
Bleed like i do,
Feel your heart pump and pound,
'Til each drip drops,
And finally you'll be drained.
You'll feel just as weak,
Your sight will be just as bleak,
Your sanity will slip away,
Following the blood that pours,
Watch as it glows with what was your essence.

No point in crying your prompted tears,
They only blacken those eyes,
Try seeing through the dark,
Pray for the caress of solace,
Receive a lasting hopelessness in its place.
You'll feel you're dying,
But whats worse you're still breathing,
Still bleeding and never seeing,
Never understanding,
How i can do it all on my own.

MUM..

You called...
Called to tell me what you needed me to know,
God must have been kind to you,
Despite the pain you put me through...
He still gave you a ray of hope.
But if you can’t read between the lines of miracle he gave,
Then it‘ll be your lost this time.

Mum you called,
The happiness,
They came to me like a gush of wind,
Blowing and storing me with those cool gentle breeze,
But as we talk further,
This happiness slowly begins to fade...
You didn’t call because of me,
But because there is something you want from me....

Happiness...
They came and go they please.
They often left me struggle in between.
Mum... you made me a very confuse girl...
I spent days thinking how to make it through...
But I came to conclusion...
My happiness will come after this.
I don't know why I'm certain...
But I know I deserve it so much more than you know it.

A goodbye will come to end this pain,
A new chapter will begin.
I 'm sure this goodbye will be my last,
And seeing you would be my farewell to my past.
I say my goodbye this time,
Without tears to cry, or even a trace of regret.
I pray for your happiness till forever...
As long as my heart till pump life in me...
I would say my goodbyes... and kept my promise,
As long as you keep yours in return....

my heart... oh my heart...

my heart... oh my heart...
how much more must you tolerate this,
how long more would you pretend?
how many times have you ignore this torment?
how will you free your life from this suffering.
it's not wrong to love,
it's not wrong to give for love...
it's not wrong to withstand it's obstacles.
but its a painful to be treated like a toy.
it's hurtful to be played like a ball....
and be ignorant to it's mistakes.

my heart... oh my heart...
you love him for all this while,
because you do,
you give and give till you barely had enough,
your heart hurts and cry,
you cry till no more tears left to tear.
you silence it well that even people don't see,
how painful it was here.
you only wanted to protect it,
guard it from being broken,
hold it for as long as you could.
you got hurt because you cared.
because you never let go....

my heart.. oh my heart...
pain, they wouldn't leave.
even when at its last stage,
the pain will only stay,
it'll get harder for you,
it'll make you want to give up...
the tears you cry will dry off,
that when breaking up the most hurtful thing,
you unable to cry no more.
the torment will get tougher,
so tough that you could barley hang in.
you'll get your heart broken over the time,
that after leaving him,
your heart only left a smallest piece,
like shattered glass on the floor.

my heart... oh my heart...
They say happiness is like thin glass of water,
The more you fill the glass, it'll overflow.
Too much happiness can make one greed for more.
That they often never see the trouble would come.
Like any thin glass... once broken...
It’ll shatter to pieces, even if you try to mend them...
It’ll never be able to look like once before.
Even the water can never be filled to its fullest.
Likewise a heart... too much of love,
Can only bring pain,
And when it's hurt and broken,
The feelings will wear off...
Even when you try to fix the relationship...
There can never be the same trust or the same love to share

Try our Best... it not enough

Sometime we try,
Tried our best,
Tried our hardest...
Give all have...
To love someone in return...
It’s difficult to love if your heart is ripping apart

We both know where we went wrong,
God know how much it hurt,
Just to stay like this a little longer,
We both also know how much regrets,
Regrets we each have for this love,
Still all we kept doing was tearing our heart.

You knew I couldn't stay,
I had to leave to be free from the pain,
You knew I cannot accept,
Accept this failure to love and hold you,
Because it was you,
Who left me here hanging...?

I also knew about this secret affair,
You had with her...
It’s my weakness that refuses to acknowledge,
What was already in front of my eyes?
Till the point of which I saw how,
We all got hurt because we kept lying,
To stay together....
See now our relationship became so meaningless.

You knew I could never return to you,
You could never come to me no more,
We could never return to the past,
Where we both were so in love...
So why not just end this.
End all this foolish things,
How long more are we going to inflict pain?
In each other’s lives...
How long more should we cry in silence,
Just how long more must we pretend to love?
If we already have our heart because we use to love...

The Letter

I went home one afternoon,
And saw a letter written,
With my name on it.
I couldn't say a word as I stood there,
Staring at my hand holding a letter.
Thousand things kept coming to me,
Millions of words spoken at the same time...
So depressed, so confused.

That letter...
What is written in it?
What would it say?
I wasn't prepared to read it.
But somehow a whisper tells me...
“I should because it's important."
I took a paper knife,
Cut open the envelope.
There inside was a white piece of letter...
I saw the initials it belongs to him...
My life, my love....
One whom i await so long to return,
Finally wrote me his first and last letter.

I read each word carefully,
And struggle to read it to the end,
Once I'm there, I only had tears,
Coming down my eyes...
It hurt so much to know this truth...
Why? After so many years?
Why now?
I spend years waiting for you to come back,
And this final goodbye is what I got.
You apologise for leaving,
Leaving by telling me to wait for you.
You apologise for hurting me,
Hurting by telling me what you already did.
You apologise for telling me lies,
Lies that I never knew existed.

This letter that you say your final goodbye in...
It hurt to know everything now...
The suffering and the sorrow that accompanies
Me through these years...
I really loved you,
So why must you do this to me?
You had affair with my best friend,
And you left because for her sake too...
Now that you're already gone...
With this truth what do you expect from me?
My best friend.... why?
Why must you hurt me like this?
I hate you...
I hate you for everything...
I hate you but still,
As I held this letter,
All I could do right now is crying this painful feeling away...

How?

How to love someone...
How to truly love someone?
Someone who already left you here for so long.
Someone who never care what you went thru in past,
Someone who never loved you before?
How do you love someone whose heart is never here for you?
Whose love was never meant for you to hold?
How do you hold them close to tell them what you felt?
If they never cared for you over the years...
How do you reach out to them to hold their hands?
When deep in their heart they wished you just disappear.
How could you try so hard to look at them in the eyes?
Whose stares leave the feeling of disgusted in you.
And still say a little pray for their happiness above your own.
Don’t you just hate yourself for being a fool in hunger for their love?
Don’t you hate them for leaving you here?
Don’t you despise them for all the pain and sorrow they put you thru?
Still....
How could you be so noble as to forgive even when your heart is?
Crushed to pieces....
You only have one heart,
Not too big, just a size of your fist...
But it's noble and generous of you to forgive them
Even when it hurts so much....
How do love this kind of people?
Honestly they'll never understand... i know.

Died

You never knew...
You never understand...
You will never see...
You refuse to hear...
You could never feel...
You should never give me life...

This scar on my wrist...
They were gifts from you.
The day I took that knives,
Slit my wrist,
And let the blood flow...
This thick puddle of blood stain,
I left them on the floor.
I'll never forget it.

My wrist didn't hurt that bit,
But my soul pained,
Like millions of knives stabbing it apart.
You who never was there,
Could never ever read my behaviour that day.
It wasn't about attention or money,
It was I rebelling against you,
You only see me here,
But I hold no meaning to you.

My blood that flow out of me,
It shows how that instant,
I hated my guts, my life...
I wanted nothing of you,
Left printed in me.
For it's such a painful memory of you,
That I cannot hold to have anymore.
I hated myself to be a part of you,
Even more knowing that,
We shared the same blood.

I slit my wrist the second time,
I didn't wish to live anymore,
I didn't wish to be forgiven by anyone,
For being stupid at that time,
I didn't regret dying if I could...
The blood kept flowing...
My vision became unclear...
For all I know my surrounding became dark again.

A new day has began...

Some say a reset button is pressed, for the day to begin on a new phase.
Some say say a new day means a new chapter another beautiful moment in life...
As for me a new day means a a day further from my past.
I realise i cannot run away from it,
But that doesn't mean i cannot forget them.
I must believe in my future.... that's all it takes to see a miracle.

The day begins with me telling myself to stop.
Stop crying for them who already left.
Stop looking back at those who had left.
Stop looking back on what i cannot change,
Stop thinking of those hurtful thing.
Stop just stop....

Another day had left me here.
I shouldn't choose to be trap in this time,
When the time itself never stop moving.
I must grow up, find myself again...
I should let go, because there is no point holding on...
If all of them already left me here again.

Another day has left,
The new day begins with a new sun rise...
So i must let myself be willing to step forward
I must allow myself to see another happiness will come.
Because like someone once told me...
" My child... for all that you been through,
happiness is what you deserve in return for all that pain."

When the heart weaver...

When the heart wavers, the love is almost gone.
There’s so much words left unsaid.
This loneliness fills the empty space between us.
The word "regret" no longer expresses our deepest feeling.
But the impact of pain strongly lingers within the depth of our soul.

When the heart wavers, the love is almost gone.
Nothing can be done when the heart is in pain.
The breaking point just waits till the heart becomes weaker.
A piece that's so fragile is at stake.
That even the tape of forgiveness can't put it back together.

When the heart wavers, the love is almost gone.
The ending would come bringing lots of goodbyes.
So much was meant to be spoken.
But like any fool we both were...
All this was left hanging by on its own.

When the heart wavers, the love is almost gone.
Time... please pause. Even for a seconds more.
Here we stood facing each other.
No sound, so voice to speak or even cry...
Where did we go wrong? No answer was given at all.

When the heart waver its last beat “goodbye”... love has already gone.
A step back taken as we turned away...
The look of our back only shout out the word "Sorry'.
But the ears cannot hear the heart cry...
Such miserable pain and so much guilt follow our every footstep.

My Coward Self

Because of my coward self,
Because I’m afraid of being hurt,
Because I dare not show myself.
I stood there behind a group of people...
And wave my goodbye here.
I know you all are leaving for good.
This is my only chance...
To ask forgiveness and make you all stay.
But the cowardliness of myself, showed me how,
I silently cry my heart out behind your back.
I couldn’t run towards you all,
I couldn’t show myself to you.
Because all I ever give you is pain.
This painful moment will not fade away easily.
Your crying face is all I could remember.
I can’t even say the simplest word... “Sorry.”
To set things straight.
So here I stood by myself... hiding,
Crying alone while waving my final goodbyes likes a fool.
My cowardliness leaves me only loneliness.
This is the price I pay for being coward.
My punishment...

if you are going to go...

If you are going to go...Then go,
Leave before I become weak.
Leave before I’m broken.
Leave before I cry,
Leave before I forget...
Because that is all I ask of.

If you are going to go... Now is the time,
Go away this moment,
Go because you have to.
Go because you loved her,
Go because you want to...
Now that is all I want from you.

If you are going to go... Please leave first.
This is as much I could take.
This betrayal is too much for me.
This painful feeling should go.
This unhappiness should stop.
No point trying to keep it going.

If you are going to go... Know this...
I’m leaving you now,
I’m letting you go...
I’m not going to stay,
I’m not going to be there for you anymore.
So don’t look for me anymore.

Hurt inside

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

It Rain...

I spent the whole of one day to get myself together.
Thankfully, it rained that night.
It rain so heavily that even as I walk down the road without an umbrella,
To shelter me... no one knew I spent that moment crying till my heart content.
I needed that moment to myself.
A moment to pick myself up again.
A moment where I could force my pain out of my heart.
A moment to just let everything washed away from my soul.
That moment when I cannot lie anymore.
I can’t even hide myself.
I no longer could pretend to be the strong person I was before.
That moment I was at my most breaking and unbearable state.
There was so much confusion, so much uncertainty and so much inner conflict.
All this require time for me to sort out...
But most of all I needed to cry this pain and torturous feeling away.
Because every time I open my eyes,
The image of his crying face still lingers in my sight.
The guilt I had for breaking his heart is my sin to carry.
So don’t forgive me Dad. I don’t deserve it at all.
I just know that someday I’ll figure it all out.
Life will get better maybe another few months or even a year later.
So don’t ask me how I’m copping now, because I don’t have any answer with me right now.

Day Four: Last Goodbye

The idiot is one who cried the most. For the first time I felt that the most stupid one was me. I tried lying, and I even tried betraying... but all I could see now as I stood here in front of a mirror is “the idiot who lost everything”. By hiding that pain I choose to run and leave first. But who am I kidding! The one who cried first was me... only me.

This reflection, this tearing figure on the mirror... So much regrets, so much pain. I didn’t mind being here alone again. But my most inner feelings can tell you that I am most afraid to stay this lonely again. I wasn’t prepared to be left behind again. Although I’m so good at pretending to be strong, but I’m the weak one here.

I did the most despicable things by hurting him. The things I did and things I said... no matter how hard I try, I cannot take it back. Till this moment all I could remember was how I broke his heart. The image of his crying face never once left my sight even when I tried to brush it away from my eyes it’s still there. When I close my eyes... I could hear him cry a painful lie of mine. Even when he refuse to believe what he saw, trust me he even beg me to say “All this is a lie. Dad.” I refuse...

If I could tell someone that it was all an act out drama just so I could leave them behind, I am sure thousand others out there would understand my pain of my action. My uncle knows all my lies... because while I was acting that betrayal scene, he was watching me do it all as I clench my fist so tight. He saw how I try not to cry when my dad beg me to tell him the truth... and he saw my tearing eyes as I turn away from my mother.

My mother, the person I prayed for the love and affection from. Today she stood there in front of me and watches me lie after another. No words to describe my action, she just stood there with that surprise look on her face. I did this for her. “See Mum, look how I would give you, your life that you desire and destroy mine in return. I wish you got your happiness now and know this, I forgive you for all the pain you left me with.” These were the only words I told her before I turn away. I had enough of patience and waiting for her, because all I ever got out of it was how much broken I’ve become now then before.

I wouldn’t ask to be forgiven, and don’t ask me to forgive again, because I cannot. I don’t want to look at you all again because it hurts what I cannot undo. I rather you all leave now and hate me all your life so I’ll remember the pain I’ve induce to you all as a family. If only “sorry” was enough then all this might not hurt so much. I can only pray that “God” would be kind enough to slowly take it away and make you forget. You all deserve a better happiness without me. I can only hope for tomorrow to rain because only then I could cry till my heart content.

Day Three:

There is nothing to say,
Nothing we could do to change what was already destines to end...
Even if it’ll be regrets, or even a broken heart...
I don’t have the courage to change what I ought to do then...
No amendment done can undo our pain,
No miracle would reverse this suffering we both had over these years.
Even so...
All we ever selfishly desire was just to put an ending to our miserable past.
It’s coward of us to hurt others like this and pretend that it’ll be better later.
But when? When would everything be better?
Another 10 years? Or another 15 years more?
Honestly...
How long does it take one to forget this?
How long would it take to heal one heart?
How much more does one have to give to see freedom for themselves?
Even i don’t have an answer to that.

"Mum, this would be the last time i call you that.
There are so many secrets between us.
So many lies and unhappiness present in our lives.
We both tried pretending to be happy, but who are we trying to lie to?
We couldn’t even say words to comfort each other’s pain...

There are traces of regrets in our action.
But all we both ever did was hurt each other more.
But mum, I tried to make you like me. But it’s difficult.
Our days are coming to an end...
As promise! I’ll take my leave now and disappear from your life.
All you have to promise me is...
You’ll find the happiness you deserve in life.
And i will miss you and slowly forget you..."

DAY TWO:

The morning begins with such sunny sun shine its bright ray of lights from my room window. I didn’t see myself fall asleep, maybe I’ve cried through the night till I was finally asleep. The best gift of strength came such a shock... my Uncle he finally made it here. Just as you could guess... he sat on the chair thru the night holding my hand as I lay in slumber.

I was preparing for My OP today... still no sign of my Mother here. Only my Stepfather faithfully came to visit me in the morning. I suppose from where I stood in this room, it doesn’t take long for them both to realise how disappointed I was when my Mother refuse to come.

This moment before I step into the Operation theatre... My Dad said something to me that cause a little hesitation to my decision. “You don’t have to force yourself to do this if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t blame you or hate you if you change your mind. All I want is for you to be happy.”

Still I clenched my hands and smile at him... I don’t understand why I did so. But at that point of time, I was a little happy that his concern was not for the operation to run smoothly but mostly about my happiness. Dear God, if you are hearing my prayers... grant me the strength to pull thru these obstacles and give me enough courage to make a decision that would entrust everyone I care for a glimpse of happiness even if that picture would not include me.

When I was awake around 7pm, the room was so silent only the table light was left on to brighten the room. Guess who was there waiting for me... It was only my dad. Even so it still fills my heart with ½ cup of happiness to know that I was not alone...

Another day will soon leave us,
It would leave us feeling another pain would come.
Even when it’s difficult to hide,
We still choose to pretend that we are strong.
Another day would come,
Still no changes done to amend the problem...
Someone will regret, while another would cry,
There’s so much to say in such little time,
So much to do, so hard to get it started.
When another day is gone...
I would be leaving, so would you.
I would regret this, and I would also be the one who would lose everything.

Day ONE...

It's the longest day ever...
All the test and blood taking, really worn a person. I never felt more alone then this.
My uncle... he wasn't here, no one is anyway. These few days that went by, allows me to see what i would be missing the most once an ending comes...

I can't believe I'm saying this... but the truth is there is so much I wish I had done with them. So at least there would me memories of them that I could keep with me. I never knew any cooler DAD that him, one whose attention is worth having and whose love is greater beyond the ocean...
My Brothers whom i didn't had enough time to watch them grow, they were the best part of my life. you know the feeling of being called "Big Sister" by such adorable loving and hyperactive brothers... was my gift from heaven. Their innocence alone is enough to brighten my gloomy dark world...

All i could talk about now is only them but not my Mum... I didn't see her much.
Wish my Uncle could stay with me....

" I know he tried his best...

I know he wants to be there for me when the time comes,

Even when it'll hurt me the most,

He rather silent his mouth and watch me go through all of it.

Because he knew only then I would be able to pick myself up,

and move forward even when I'm uncertain of my own future.

He knew alot...

About how I lie to myself every day saying that I'm OK..,

Or how I spent my time counting the days ahead of me,

Or even how I cried my way to bed every night....

He knew about it all this while even without saying it...

Now, all he ever tried to do was be there for me and hold my hand

in these last moments of goodbyes,

After which i knew he would I knew how he sat beside my bed

and wipe my tears as lay in slumber...

Because all he Ever tried to do was make me a stronger person that I was...."

A Gentle Pat

A gentle pat on the head can mean so much to someone like me. The comfort touch from that warm hand, gives off a secure and loving vibes that makes one heart feel so loved.

I was sick yesterday when i had an unexpected visit. When i opened that door, it was my stepfather standing with his had full of groceries bag. Truth to be told, I wish it was my mum instead but never the least i’m grateful of his presence. He said that he found out that i was not well from my uncle. He came over despite his hectic working days and stayed till the late evening when my uncle came home. This is the first time someone cooked and clean for me.

He cooked me a simple bowl of porridge but each spoon taste the love of a father to his child, this mixed emotion inside me actually moved me to tears... i cried silently as i eat each spoon of it. I hope he never hear me cry. I only knew him being here was trying to understand me and create some bond between us. But whenever I’m asked of questions about myself ,I’ll say little in reply. Since I’m determine to leave them, I wouldn’t say much so there will always be this empty feelings and this distance will become wider between us as time goes by.

He fed me my medicine and sent me to bed, covers my blanket for me. Then he said “ You should try to sleep as much as possible. I’ll be here so don’t worry.” After that he sat beside me and pat my head till I was asleep... When I was half asleep with my back facing the opposite direction of where he sat, i heard him say as few thing that wasn’t clear to my ears. But the last line of words he whisper to my ears was very clear “I wished your mum had told me about you sooner, So i could have you close to me and love you like my own.”And he gave me a gentle kiss on my forehead. I cried another silent cry as i lay there hearing him say it... No one would ever understand the kind of feeling i had at that point of time or how much that gentle kiss and pat means so much to an orphan like myself.

Honestly, I envy Hakim for having such loving person for a father. Even as much i wished he was my own. I stop myself from having such thoughts .I have to keep my promise, I must leave them when time comes. I must stop myself from loving them as my own or else when it time to say goodbye it’ll hurt a million times more. But Mum... for now let me be selfish. Let me keep this warmth a little longer.... I’ll promise you I’ll let it go when i say my goodbyes, i wouldn’t keep even a trace of this...

Late

Can’t turn away,
I took a deep breath,
Take in as much as I could,
Arrange my words in my mind.
And breathe out to say it…

My voice,
As much as I try to shout out to you,
They wouldn’t come out…
Even when I already wrote the lines,
The same line over and over again…

My heart…
It trembles with fear,
It aches in pain,
It’s shredded to pieces,
Still it hurts because it’s there.

These tears,
Why wouldn’t it stop flowing?
It kept on going,
Almost flooded my vision.
It became so dark now, I couldn’t see anymore.

Why does it have to hurt?
Why does it have to be so painful?
Why can’t we stay this way and not care what people say?
Why can’t we share this moment before we let go?
Why do we have to love if love is such a pain…?

We are standing at each end of the road,
Looking at one another, with such tearing eyes.
With no words to say, with no more love to care for…
We couldn’t even say ONE word to fix our heart,

This moment, where we are standing now,
So much regret and pain drowning our hearts,
That even as we try to reach out to each other,
We are always one step too late.

You, I , or Us?

I should have not wait that long to see it coming,
I should have been more honest with myself…
I shouldn't let it hurt me too long…
This love is such a pain…

I wish I’ve said my piece right,
I wish I had made a stand on my rights,
I wish I’ve made amendments,
This love is such regret…

I wanted what was mine, was it too much to ask?
I wanted to be happy too, was that difficult to attain?
I wanted you above all, was that too hard to understand?
This love is such confusion…

I didn’t want to be hurt because I’ve loved,
I didn’t want to cry because I’m pained.
I didn’t want to loose him because he left,
This love is suffering in silence…

If I could ask for just one chance, One chance…
I’ll play my cards right and avoid this love.
If all we ever did was getting hurt by loving,
Then we both are never meant to be.

It’s better we end it now,
Then trying to keep it going,
When all we do was hurt each other more…
Even when there are happy moments between us,
It’s not enough too keep our hearts beating as one.

Let’s just breakaway, give ourselves time to think it thru…
Is some day we know our heart begin to miss each other,
Then maybe we start over,
By then you would have change so did I.
Maybe then we make better decision then we did now.

But if we end up so far apart… unable to fix our bond,
Let’s not regret what we had,
Let’s not get hurt by all the lies between us or the things that pained us.
Should one day comes when we look back at us,
How much a mess we end up with and how hurtful we both were…
Honestly my heart can’t tolerate that much of regret anymore…

SCAR

There is something on my back…
I got it when I turn 8 years old. It was a gift from that woman. I still remember it so clearly how I got that ugly looking thing on my back. I almost died that day… had my parents not rush me to the hospital I could have just bleed to death. I still could recall the pain I had post surgery I felt like dying… even the doctors said it was almost too impossible to remove all those pieces of glass that pierce thru my skin.

Every time I look at the mirror,
I got so scared to look at myself. I saw that ugly looking scar that covers ½ of my back and those marks still clearly printed on my back.
I dare not stare too long because I’m disgusted at the sight of myself, maybe that is why even my biological mum felt disgusted when sees me…

You see, even after 12 years have past…
This scar… I can never fully recover from the pain of it,
And it doesn’t even give me strength to rise from it……

Another Saturday...

Every Saturday may seem a normal day…

But truth is, every counselling session is most dreadful to go through.
Sometimes… I felt like I’m talking to a mirror of my own reflection.
The things I’ve seen in them made me feel ashamed of being myself.
I’ve seen many kids whose lives are so unfortunate as mine, some grew up almost the way I am. Such sadness in this world only I knew the pain.

I said so many things to these kids, that when they told me their trusted person was me. I became so afraid to disappoint them but most of all I’m scared of my own truth. I’m not ‘God’ nor am I some ‘Angel’ sent down to them to make the world a better place for them. I’m just an ordinary person who is not needed even by my own parent.
I only thank God that no matter how unfortunate or mishap they had in life… they are still loved by people in their live. Honestly, I cannot imagine them going through what I had.

Being disappointed over and over again… these I’m used to but if I had courage like that boy I met today… I would have said something to straighten her thoughts about me… these days that became so numbered to my notice, I wished I had did something worth while we are still waiting for the end to come. But look at me, even though people say I’m strong, independent and thoughtful… I could never be that 10 year old boy who stood up and takes in all the anguish his mum gave him just to hope for her affection in return. Guess what at least he gets what he wants.

As for me. I’m afraid to even try, because each time I thought about her. All I could remember was that dirty and hatred look she gave me. I didn’t want to increase her pain nor do I want to hurt her by trying to be close to her. Maybe all these sound like an excuse but I’m afraid of getting my hopes up and then watch myself crash to the floor. I’m just pathetic. I just know one thing… when the time comes I’ll say my goodbyes and let her go, disappear from my sight. I just know that I’ll regret it but It’ll get better right. Tell me it will Uncle!

A Woman’s Heart..

Her love is like a curse,
A painful one that is the hardest to bare.
There is so much secrecy between two lines of words she spoke of,
So many untold tales and unfinished lies stringing together beneath her smile.
Her pride, was all she had left,
Watching her love stray away to someone else arms…
She accept everything even when it hurts her pride the most.
Watch her… as she hid the truth from the world.

The world and even you could judge her and accuse her of adultery,
But she will never reveal to you the truth even if it kills her.
She rather you hate her for all she did then to face your hatred towards the one person she love, that’s is your father.
The truth about him is all it takes to tear you apart.
But because she had loved him so, and would do all it takes to make you happy,
She takes all the blame and all your hatred,
Absorb all your criticism and still try to stand above it all as if everything never happen.
That is how she kept her pride and destroyed her image in your eyes…

This place where she first loved him, she’ll guard it with all her heart.
What do you know of this place?
To you it’s where you and your dad share everything…
To her, this very place where she first fall in love with him.
In a battle field like this, she’ll risk everything!
She would throw in her tramp card and set the world apart,
Even when she already knew the ending comes with such heartbreaking result.
Still she did all she possibly could to defend her rights.

A woman’s heart is difficult to anticipate…
Their way of expressing their love to wards their child is different,
Mostly because it’s hard to understand the little sacrifice they give unknowingly.
Their love for their child is up most importance to them,
But many find it so unbearable to return their love back to them…
That is why you rebel and only knew what you thought was right…
Wait my child, wait….
Until the day you learn of her sacrifice….

It takes so long to unveil the truth… do you dare to hear it for yourself?
How does it feels to know everything?
Realising all the time you spent hating someone like her…
When all she ever tried to do was preventing you from getting hurt.
She’ll tell you she’s no angel and how not noble of her…
Because keeping everything wrap inside a small box call the heart,
Is the selfish thing she did for her love…

Pride... dear love

So many left behind unsaid, undone… unfixed…
We got hurt with our words, but…
Still we couldn’t say one thing to keep us together.
All those love gone… wasted
We fought over little thing that don’t matter.
We fought over big things that only cause us pain…
All we ever did 4 each other was hurting one another…
But never once we tried to fix all those broken words,
Or even try to understand each other….
So many things we let slip thru our fingers.
The only thing we kept recalling are the pain we left in each other lives…
Still never once we look back at our happy times together.

Where did all that sweetness gone to?
Where did all those love go?
When did we start having doubt upon one another?
How did we grew so apart like this?

Now look at us…
See how much time we wasted thinking we could fix all this…
Now all we could say was “Let’s stop here, before we hurt each other again.”
You are standing on the left side while I’m on the right…
Looking at one another…
With no words to fully express what we felt as those words came out loud to our ears…
While staring I instantly knew how much regret we had toward each other.
I knew a part of us wanted to cry but still none of us wanted to show the weakness we had inside… Pride oh Pride… till the very end.
Let me be the first to cry now as I turn away from you…
So look at how much I never intended for all this heart breaking things to happen…
I’ll take my first step and leave you standing there…
Still no words was said to make all this disappear….
We said so many hurtful things but never could we say the one thing to make us stay together…

Sometime...

You give all you had in one breath...

You tried all you can in one breath...

But if you still choose to hold on longer...

Then try harder!

If its' somthing worth waiting for then give all you have. don't regret it.

Even when people don't understand your sacrifice...

Even when people don't know what you had to go through to be here.

Don't care about what people think!

Just know that you did your best.

Even when sometimes your best is never enough...

Being in a relationship is never easy.

People...

They say too many lies...

That even the truth is 1/2 a lie.

They think they know everything...

But the truth is...

A person heart is not easy to understand.

One can never fully love another without knowing,

what it means to love yourself.

Loving another starts from loving your self first.

Knowing yourself understanding your own heart...

These things is what you will never understand!

Remember this moment, Remember this pain...

Remember this moment…
Remember this pain…
I can’t do anything,
I can’t change anything…
This goodbye is all I have for now…
Don’t give me any reply,
Don’t accept anything from me...
Just remember these word “goodbye”.

You turn and left me there…
Your shadow slowly got further away.
Your fragrant slowly slip away from my touch.
I began to move on from here…
I slowly learn to let you go…
I won’t be fooled again.
This love that I tried to keep…
Was nothing but a sin.

Remember this moment…
Remember this pain…
I’ll never truly forget about us…
I never truly remove you from me.
But you pushed me aside…
I watch you running to her even when I’m there by your side.
Don’t try to deny the truth.
Don’t try to lie about the lies...
Just remember this word “forgive”.

Even when it’s hard to pretend.
Watch me do it so calmly in front of you.
I’ll try hiding my sadness,
I’ll try lying for once this time…
I cannot let you see me cry,
Or see my heart broke because I choose to love.
I can’t look at you in the face anymore.
I’ll just keep my head down.
With no more words to truthfully describe my pain…

Remember this moment…
Remember this pain…
You said those words too easily.
Like you’re used to this break up.
You may not get this painful scar.
And you may live happily.
But those words… oh those words
Sounded half a “lie” from your lips.

All this are some hurtful thing we did,
Where did we go wrong?
Did we not love enough to prevent this pain?
This painful moment please go away.
Go before I became empty.
Leave before I break apart.
Disappear before I loose myself.
Give me all the pain,
Take only the beautiful memory with you
I rather you leave now...
So I can start over.

Remember this moment…
Remember this pain…
I’ll set you free to the one who love you so.
I’ll keep my prayer for you in my heart.
I will not force love that I cannot have.
I will not regret this decision I’ve made…
Even when I’ll get scared in my heart…
I still choose to release you from this pain…
Just remember these last words… “Sacrifice”
From me to you...

My betrayal..

Don’t forgive me…
Just hate me more….
Let me go… throw me away,
Don’t try to hold me back…
You shouldn’t be hurt by someone like me.
I’m not worthy of your love.
I cannot stop myself from running to him.
This betrayal is too much for you to take.
No matter what happen my heart can’t change.
I cannot pretend and lie to love…
I cannot hide and run away from my own heart…
Please don’t blame yourself for my mistakes…
Don’t try to love me anymore.
Just let me go.

I know I’m the worst.

I ‘m horrible, I’m so cruel…

It’s so bad of me to love you then.

It’s painful when I left you there suddenly.

But I cannot stay with you anymore…

Even when I hate myself for trying to love you…

I’m hating myself more for giving you hope.

I should have left first…

Let go of you before he came back.

So at least this love will not come with such painful ending…

This betrayal from me is too hurtful for you.

Don’t love me anymore…

Just hate me all your life…

Let me go, Erase me from your heart…

You deserve someone better then me.

You don’t have to be hurt by my existence.
I’ll be punished for my sins.
Only a fool is stupid enough to hurt you.
That idiot is me…
I can’t forgive myself so should you…
Don’t forget the pain I’ve left you…
Use it to hurt me, take your revenge…
Don’t be fool by my tearing eyes no more…
Hate me all your life.
Wound me and break me apart… the way I did to you.
Then throw me away like I did.
Don’t try to accept me anymore.
Don’t try to hope from me anymore…

I can’t come back to you…

My heart will always run to him…

I can’t do without him here…

Accept this as my betrayal towards you…
Something you don’t deserve to go through.
Even when I'll regret it later…
Letting someone like you go,
When I already know I can never meet someone quit like you …
Let me regret it all my life…
Don’t forgive me anymore…
Throw me far away from your heart.
I don’t deserve to be love by you…

This day...

I couldn’t sleep because of this very date… is one I’ll never forget. Had anyone stood close enough to me, You would see that I was never myself again after what happen.

Four years have passed on this very date, I not only break away from people that I care for but also the most sinful things I did was the reason why I’m never the same anymore.
Had there been some better choices, and circumstances or even a chance… I might have probably not do what I already done. I remember me breaking my only family heart. The cruelest things I’ve said that I cannot take back still so freshly played in my mind like a movie player.

I left home, but never had the guts to even face them after what I did. I couldn’t even say “sorry” for breaking their hearts and wounded their pride… but if I had and ocean wide of courage I wouldn’t just say “I’m sorry” but I would have said “thanks for giving me a family when no one wanted me”.

This day when I left home.
I never regret leaving it, because letting them go means setting them free…those reasons were all I had then. I couldn’t stand watching them live such painful life just because of me, who am I to them? I’m just an adopted child. Even though they never differentiate me and their fresh and blood, I can’t stand there and watch them get hurt by that women my dad call “MOTHER”. Had you all been there and see what I’ve seen in my dad eyes. The way he tenderly looked at that “women” who don’t give a damn about his existence, he himself still awaits the day that women would call him “son”. Knowing it all how could I said “No” and hold on to them.

Being adopted to a family who loved me but could never show me those emotion. I know my parents had a few regrets in their heart for all the thing I had to go through as I grew up. Those times I had been beaten up half of my life and cried my way to sleep every night, I know those memories was the most painful they had for me. I do know so well that they always try to make this painful moments go away and how sometimes when it hurts the most, they would stay close and cried as I had in my sleep. These are some things my own fresh and blood relation mother could never accomplish.

Since the day I met this women last year… With that hatred look that she had for me felt like being stab by her. The disgusting look she had for me was like a looking back at a sinful past she tried to leave and ran away from all this years…Can anyone guess why she had to see me?
Trust me! It was not to find me or because she misses me…but because she needed something from me. Something that only I had and she needs it!

Doa kekasih

Kerana ada terlalu banyak perkara yang menyakitkan hati,
Terlalu banyak masalah yang sentiasa menguji perasaan kami.
Kerana terlalu cinta, Kerana kita terlalu menyanggi…
Di saat terakhir ini, Di hari perpisahan ini…
Kami cuba… Cuba sedaya boleh untuk terus memegang pada janji- janji kami,
Untuk cuba terus percaya pada cinta kami…
Tetapi sayang… semua dah ter lambat.
Hati yang di sakiti tak punya ubat penawarnya…
Semua itu harus di lepaskan juga…

Ya Allah…
Kami memiliki sekeping hati,
Hati yang kau berikan… dengan cinta ini yang kau hadiahkan
Kerana ingin dicintai dan mencintai,
Kau anugerahkan hidup kami dengan memiliki cinta ini.
Sesuatu yang begitu berharga dalam hidup hamba mu…
Tak terbalas kesyukuran kami terhadap mu…
Tetapi jika cinta ini datang dengan keresahan yang melukai orang lain…
Maka cinta yang dipertahan ini tak bererti lagi dalam hidup kami…

Sekarang aku mohon pada mu, Ya Allah…
Maafkanlah hamba mu.
Kami redha dengan keadaan kami.
Kau ubatilah kelukan di hati ini.
Kau ambil lah keperitan dan sengsaraan dari hati kami.
Berikan kami perluang untuk mencintai sesama diri,
Dengan secebis kebahagian di saat terakhir.
Kau hilangkan rasa dendam, marah dan kebencian dari hati kami.
Kau hapuskan airmata kami,
Kau lindungi hati kami dari terus disakiti…
Semua ini kau lakukan di hari perpisahan ini…

Ya Allah…
Di hari- hari akan datang,
Kau ringgankan beban di hati kami.
Kau bukakan pintu hati kami supaya kami dapat mencari ketenanggan.
Lalu kau kembalikan cinta dalam hidup kami.
Berikan hidup kami kesempatan untuk diubat luka ini dengan cinta yang lain.
Walaupun cinta yang kami alami itu indah…

Kami berdoa Ya Allah…
Kau berikan kami pertunjuk dan hikmah sebalik perpisahan ini.
Supaya orang yang kami sayangi bisa hidup degan kebahagiaan.
Biarpun atas kemuskilan yang menimpa hati kami.
Temukan kami dengan cinta sejati kami,
Kurniakan kami cinta seindah cinta Siti Khadijah buat Nabi Muhammad(s.w.a.)

Amin….

Dear Friend....

My friend…
You are like a piece of puzzle,
That completes me in every way.
Your hands can do miracle,
That not many can understand.
My friend…
Your tender touch…
Always ease my wound.
Your smile and laughter’s,
Always warm my heart.
When my heart breaks,
Your shoulder is my best comfort.
When I’m lost…
I was never afraid like before…
Because you, will be the first to find me.
Where ever I am.

But sometimes, my dear friend…
You give so much,
And sacrifice so many for an incompetent like me.
That when your heart got hurt…
I couldn’t do anything to help you.
When you cried…
I didn’t have the courage to wipe it away from you.
But when I knew you loved him,
I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to help you,
Even when it hurt my heart the most.
Because like you… I loved him as well.
Since the first time I saw the way you looked at him,
I knew it was not the same as before.
When you found out that the one he loved was me,
It became clear to me, that you liked him as well.

My friend, you knew everything, except my heart.
I’m sorry when I hurt you because you loved,
I’m sorry that I betray your trust,
I’m sorry that I broke your heart with my cruel words.
And left you crying miserably every night alone...
But my friend, I wasn’t far...
I was hiding behind you watching you cry everyday.
Crying just as much.
As for love… Forgive me when I left you,
When I say all those hurtful words,
I’m sorry if I even crash your dreams and wounded your pride,
I even made you hate me all your life.
So I’ll take all those cursing words you said to me.
Let God punish me for my wrongs…
I’ll accept everything…

I’m not sure when you’ll get to read this confession.
For all the crazy and insane thing I did to you both…
No words can explain how I felt from the start.
Thanks for all those memories.
They were the best gift a dying person would have..

Pain

Pain…
When will you leave…
How long do you have to stay?
Its’ such sadness that pain…
Can never leave me alone.
Pain… even if you are a part of me…
I’ll accept any punishment you give.
But please for once release me from this guilt,
That you have left weighing down on my shoulders.

I’ll trade my freedom for this one chance,
In this one day in my life,
For this one plead I had…
Please release me from this guilt.
I would want for just one day in my whole lifetime,
To live and breath fresh air of painless.

Pain…
I never want you far,
Neither would I want you near.
You can me my strength and my weakness.
Or you could be both at once and tore me a part later.
Pain oh pain…
This life of mine,
Take if you must, every piece of it…
Take it all…

I’ll never ask for anything more,
I’ll never ever would ask for anything else in the future…
In this last moment in his life, mine as well…
Please take it as if I’m begging of you,
On my knees kneeling before you…
Give our last moment together,
A memory of us loving each other painlessly….
Just one day would be sufficient…
To last our lifetime apart…

us.. our last

I couldn’t do anything for you,
Except hurting you more...
I couldn’t even cry with you,
When you began to tearing,
I couldn’t even hold us together...
Even when I knew this is our last chance...
Since I can’t ask you to leave me,
I have no choice but to force you out of me....

I never meant to hurt “Us”.
Because what we had was the last chance...
We seek this opportunity more than anything left between us.
But I couldn’t lie to myself….
I couldn’t lie to you about my betrayal…
I know since knowing it happened…
It changes everything including us.

We can try to rewrite that same part,
Over and over again,
Still we can never pretend like it never happen.
We both got hurt by it…
Even when it began with your fault…
But still it ended as my mistake…
And that is something I cannot ignore.

When we got hurt this much…
Because we tried to ease our pain by lying,
Lying that thing will be better,
Lying that everything is just history…
So answer me now…
Can you still embrace me in your arms after what I did?
Can you truly pretend to not care about everything?
No… no you can’t.

If you embrace me,
You would felt his warmth lingering on my skin.
If you try to kiss me,
Then you’ll taste his kisses on my lips.
And when you hold my hands…
Your skin will burn because by every touch of mine.
Can you still call this love?

For once listen to me,
Love is just another fairytale with an illusion happy ending.
We cannot force to love or love to follow.
Because we are no longer fools…
If back then you left first.
Allow me to be the first to leave this time.
Because unlike you I can’t lie anymore,
I can’t pretend anymore…
I can only inflict pain in your heart,
To a point where I could just tear them apart…

I very well knew this is our last chance…
Last chance to make thing right again.
But we should stop using our heart to solve our needs,
We should just let it go because it’s time we end it here.

love

I’ve seen true love in those eyes,
That knows no boundaries.
Still believe that no sacrifice is worth
as long it’s for love.
Through those eyes I’ve seen,
Sincerity and pureness,
That comes from a place as small as a heart.
In every heart beat,
I’ve not only seen
but felt the meaning of loving someone.
I never believe in love,
but now I saw it’s existence.
Although looking at you,
Loving someone…
Is never an easy task
neither it journey is smooth.
Even so, when others say love can blind you,
I still want to believe in this love.
For this kind of love even a cold heart like mine,
would be touched by its presence.

I'm sorry

I’m sorry.
I shouldn’t have used you.
I shouldn’t have met you.
You were nice to me all the time.
But look what I did to the cheerful you.
I broke your heart. I made you cry….
I wish I could tell you how sorry I am.

His love left me too soon,
Even before I could learn to live without him here.
He left bringing my heart with him.
I became soulless without him here.
There is a hole in my heart…
I couldn’t lie…
I needed him to be here.
Holding me close every night.

Then you came…
When I need someone close.
You held me when I cried.
You loved me when I’m still broken.
You stayed with me even when I turn cold…
You did everything to make me happy….
Everything…
Except hurting me….

I didn’t realised how selfish I became.
Every time you here… I felt him close.
When you smile at me, it’s his smile I saw.
When you held me close, it was his touch I felt.
Your touch felt like his…
Even the was you smell… just like him.
In so many ways you are the same.
You reminded me of him…
That I couldn’t help it,
But needing him more.

I should have told you sooner.
I shouldn’t have held on.
It’s because I loved him so much.
I can’t let him go…
It’s because I wanted him here…
I hurt you that bad…
I felt guilty.
Even now knowing it all will hurt you.
I can’t help myself from needing him more.

I know my “sorry” doesn’t mean anything.
But that is all I have for you.
I can’t stay because you’ll get hurt,
I can’t lie because the truth will burn.
The fact that I can’t love you….
That will break you more.
Let me leave now…
Because this is my way of protecting you,
From continuing being hurt by someone as useless as me.
I’m sorry…

Behind you

Do you know it rained yesterday?
After I turned away. I cried in an alley.
Every time I saw you struggling,
I predicted that a separation would come…
Because I’m aware that I lack too much,
I can’t stop you from leaving right now..
You may be leaving right now, but I’ll be there for you.
So I can keep my distance, so I won’t be a burden.
On this path, if you ever fall from exhaustion.
You’ll be able to lean against me.
Behind you…
Someday, you might need…
Behind you, my love, touch again…

You will hate me for the hateful words
I say without expression,
Do you know of the tears fill my eyes as I turn my back on you?
You may be leaving right now,
So I can keep my distance, so I won’t be a burden.
On this path, if you ever fall from exhaustion.
You’ll be able to lean against me.
Behind you…