The idiot is one who cried the most. For the first time I felt that the most stupid one was me. I tried lying, and I even tried betraying... but all I could see now as I stood here in front of a mirror is “the idiot who lost everything”. By hiding that pain I choose to run and leave first. But who am I kidding! The one who cried first was me... only me.
This reflection, this tearing figure on the mirror... So much regrets, so much pain. I didn’t mind being here alone again. But my most inner feelings can tell you that I am most afraid to stay this lonely again. I wasn’t prepared to be left behind again. Although I’m so good at pretending to be strong, but I’m the weak one here.
I did the most despicable things by hurting him. The things I did and things I said... no matter how hard I try, I cannot take it back. Till this moment all I could remember was how I broke his heart. The image of his crying face never once left my sight even when I tried to brush it away from my eyes it’s still there. When I close my eyes... I could hear him cry a painful lie of mine. Even when he refuse to believe what he saw, trust me he even beg me to say “All this is a lie. Dad.” I refuse...
If I could tell someone that it was all an act out drama just so I could leave them behind, I am sure thousand others out there would understand my pain of my action. My uncle knows all my lies... because while I was acting that betrayal scene, he was watching me do it all as I clench my fist so tight. He saw how I try not to cry when my dad beg me to tell him the truth... and he saw my tearing eyes as I turn away from my mother.
My mother, the person I prayed for the love and affection from. Today she stood there in front of me and watches me lie after another. No words to describe my action, she just stood there with that surprise look on her face. I did this for her. “See Mum, look how I would give you, your life that you desire and destroy mine in return. I wish you got your happiness now and know this, I forgive you for all the pain you left me with.” These were the only words I told her before I turn away. I had enough of patience and waiting for her, because all I ever got out of it was how much broken I’ve become now then before.
I wouldn’t ask to be forgiven, and don’t ask me to forgive again, because I cannot. I don’t want to look at you all again because it hurts what I cannot undo. I rather you all leave now and hate me all your life so I’ll remember the pain I’ve induce to you all as a family. If only “sorry” was enough then all this might not hurt so much. I can only pray that “God” would be kind enough to slowly take it away and make you forget. You all deserve a better happiness without me. I can only hope for tomorrow to rain because only then I could cry till my heart content.
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