Another Saturday...

Every Saturday may seem a normal day…

But truth is, every counselling session is most dreadful to go through.
Sometimes… I felt like I’m talking to a mirror of my own reflection.
The things I’ve seen in them made me feel ashamed of being myself.
I’ve seen many kids whose lives are so unfortunate as mine, some grew up almost the way I am. Such sadness in this world only I knew the pain.

I said so many things to these kids, that when they told me their trusted person was me. I became so afraid to disappoint them but most of all I’m scared of my own truth. I’m not ‘God’ nor am I some ‘Angel’ sent down to them to make the world a better place for them. I’m just an ordinary person who is not needed even by my own parent.
I only thank God that no matter how unfortunate or mishap they had in life… they are still loved by people in their live. Honestly, I cannot imagine them going through what I had.

Being disappointed over and over again… these I’m used to but if I had courage like that boy I met today… I would have said something to straighten her thoughts about me… these days that became so numbered to my notice, I wished I had did something worth while we are still waiting for the end to come. But look at me, even though people say I’m strong, independent and thoughtful… I could never be that 10 year old boy who stood up and takes in all the anguish his mum gave him just to hope for her affection in return. Guess what at least he gets what he wants.

As for me. I’m afraid to even try, because each time I thought about her. All I could remember was that dirty and hatred look she gave me. I didn’t want to increase her pain nor do I want to hurt her by trying to be close to her. Maybe all these sound like an excuse but I’m afraid of getting my hopes up and then watch myself crash to the floor. I’m just pathetic. I just know one thing… when the time comes I’ll say my goodbyes and let her go, disappear from my sight. I just know that I’ll regret it but It’ll get better right. Tell me it will Uncle!