Ending

Its' coming to the end of the years.. In fact I'm writing these blog at the few hours left till 2008 officially comes to an ending..

I wonder what next year would be like? I'm currently counting the numbers of days till that WOMEN comes home... Now it would be 15 days more...

Knowing that I'm homeless.. doesn't makes breathing or living any easier.... the thought of her coming home and i might cross path with her again scares me..

My new year resolution would be... to live the best i can and nothing else.. I will not ask for a family that i can no longer hope for...

But if God is kind enough to hear my prayer let there be a chance for me to go home just once...

Sides of me..

My sides...
I may be brave and strong from the outside but when facing reality.. I'm as fragile as a glass. I'm so fragile that i breaks easily in a single touch. I'm so transparent that people don't notice me even as I'm standing in a crowd..

People don't see me cry even when I'm torn apart.. It's only because I've never actually cry in front of anyone before.. No one except this heart, knows what i really feel inside.. But i feel pain by just a drop of tears that often seem like bleeding inside me.. Unknowingly

People don't care what i feel because I'm suppose to be empty and emotionless.. What they never knew was the existence side of me that feels and longed.. Times when i envy what others have that i cannot touch and times i feel what people feel Thur their touch..

And if you ask me what loneliness means i can tell you... Because i grew up with that feeling everyday in my life. Can you imagine what i had felt back then, In school when i need to use money to buy a friend. How at a single moment it felt so real that lasted with the bitterness that never goes away..

Unexpectedly I am someone whose very emotional despite my strong character.. There are moment in this life that i yearn to be special in someones life.. Be the strength to people and be the best of myself.. Having family that i could count on, and become best friend to someone.. I wanted to touch life's and fall in love just once.
And in every breath I have, I only asked for just a chance that one day someone would come and see me for what I truly am from the inside..

Reality

Ever try noticing a stain in someones life that can never be removed?
The torturing times they had to go through but never once complaint?
Times when things get tough and there's little room to run.. Where do they hide all that pain?
How does this person find the strength to move forward when their path is not clear?

Since when has people feel what others feel and understand?
Even though thing were as clear as the sky and someone beside them are crying inside yet they were never notice. What difference does it makes if it was happening in reality?

What is reality?
A pain of a truth that doesn't go away? Or a secret from a past that must never be reveal?
Does God mad reality so that it would hurt? Or did God made it so people would learn to accept their past.. even if the past is full of harsh and painful moment that breaks your heart.
If reality is real then what is the meaning of Real? Is feeling called real in your heart or is Real a word used to described the present?
Honestly I'm not sure but i hope God would give me a sign to accept what he called Reality... to be Real

MY Birthday

Two days ago was my birthday 12 NOvember..

It marks the most important day in my life.. The day my freedom begins.. I wanted to make up this day for the past of 17 years living in a shadow, being beaten, crying in the rain and most importantly.. left heart broken alone..

I wnated so badly to be at home with a family.. Singing a birthday song and cutting a birthday cake.. So i made a trip home just to stand by the window looking at the brother i once had, that shares this special day with me but was never hurt..

The warmness of the eniroment stab me so bad in the heart that if anyone was standing there you could hear it cry and felt the stain of blood pouring on the floor..

Although it hurt so much to want something you can never touch.. But i hope this day would be a good start in that family lifes living a future without me..

Today...

Its' been awhile since I was this honest to god... Although he knows who i was but still being honest to him is like being honest to a mirror looking at yourself and reflect what you did.

I told you then i was jealous of a sick kid..

But when she found out what i really was "A child that has Nothing.." from the only thing on my back(the scar) that never provide me with any strength. She befriended me.. She ask of what i went thur.. She must have shared her surprised.

You know i was surprised that while i was envying her. Just like me she was jealous of me too. She wanted so much to live just a moment longer.. to fall in love.. and to be loved.. most of all she wanted to make her family proud of her...

Her jealousy got me thinking.. what i need in life. A family that i can never touch.. A love that never existed or a friend that is long gone. Still no answer.

Honestly what do i have that she should be so jealous about?? I wanted so much to be in her shoes more then anything in this world..

Secret

Here is a huge secret...

I am jealous...... Jealous of a sick teenager who is given lots of attention at my work place!

At first i envy her for the most supportive parents she had, despite their busy career they took time out on and off to stay with her every night.

She got a wonderful older brother who always visit her with chocolates and toys at hand... and a loving sister who always put a smile on her face..

Although the doctors can't seem to help her any longer... Truth is her time is not that long either.. They said that if she had another break down .. it would make her condition worst.. So her family have to be prepare for whatever might comes...

I know its so bad of me to be so jealous of a dying person... I just can't help it!!

Every time i was there watching my heart would whisper... "This kid is the most luckiest kid in this world. So much tender love and care are showered. She makes me feel very incomplete.. It would be good to have all that.."

But yesterday... as i was on Night Shift... She poured out to me for the first time... She cried a lot... I could tell where the concern comes. I know even though in front of her family she acts like a brave child, inside her still beats the heart that shivers the pain and afraid of being left alone in the darkness..

For that part.. I felt like connected to her... But i could never bring myself to tell her what it feels to be alone.. instead i told her that her parent's love is so deep as the ocean, it'll always will be there for her..

I just couldn't hurt her even when i wanted to..

Maybe the reason i never could say it was because i truly know what it feels like to be trap by your own pain and past..

Broken inside

You never see times when i cry ..

You never hear my voice screaming inside me..

The only thing you ever seen is this smile..

That never fails to leave my face..

But underneath all that mask i wore..

Lies a broken heart...

It has break all relation..

Serve all ties..

Hurt other's pride..

Tear too much happiness..

Then this heart breaks apart unconditionally..

Leaving behind tons of guilt and tears..

To accompany the rest of its journey..

Walking beside it like a shadow..

and breathing inside me like a soul..

These pain doesn't lessen..

Even with so much time waste..

Trying and trying to heal it.

It could only break apart and keep breaking...

...These is the reality of a broken heart...

Dear Mum.. I'm sorry

Like my Uncle knew that i met you like a month ago..

There so many things i wanted to ask... Too many answer that i need.

I would not ask you to keep me or why you threw me out of your life. But the only question that I need some answer are.. In these long 18 years did even thought of me once?

That day when we met..

I really thought you would hold me but you never did. I know you had your own family, a new life and a brighter future...all that doesn't add me to the picture.. But it breaks my heart when you said that was a mistake, and that you wish I never happen... that was hard to swallow but I have to, because I was the problem you had when you were in the middle of a divorce.

I wonder if you knew how i had to grow up... what would you do about times when i was beaten up that women or times when I cry my way to sleep every night? Did you ever worry about me at all? There are times when knowing that i am adopted... makes me hate my existence...

Right now no matter what i say would not reduce the harm and pain I've caused you over these years but i just want you to know that I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry... wish I could do something to make tings right for you, but what? i can only promise you that I never look you up again... that is my promise.

I hope you are happy with your family and i always pray that happiness shall never leave you...

Lebaran

This would be the first Lebaran i spent being an Orphan....

Even though in these past years Lebaran has only been half a day but its the most happiest of my life .... But since last year i lost my home, my family, my life, and everything that i had...
It only made this year worst by the death of my grandma early this year....

One of the most stupid things i did today would be... Standing at an open window and stare at the family that I had left behind almost one year. Honestly i never told anyone this but i thank that family for bringing me up and induce me with religious to guide my soul and the Independence of surviving the hash world outside. For all that lesson ... I can never thank them enough.

But the only lesson that they had taught me that i hated most is longing.... Times when i longed to be apart of a family... These times are the hardest and painful one of the thing i realized these pain it don't lessen with time instead the heart continue to break.....

Lebaran is about family but when you have nothing to hold.. You just don't have a place in the celebration... That is why Lebaran means nothing but emptiness in you.

Love

Dear readers...

Lets have a good start.

Its still the same me here only in a different environment.

Anyway a Relationship is the topic this round..

I came across thousand different relation between human. But today i realize no mater what the need of LOVE in our life is still an Ecstasy that one can never avoid.

Although Love is being expressed in different ways but it still caries an essential meaning of trust and a belonging...

In a Family..

Love means to care and a bond that's binds ties. But god have created love in a family not to just be about blood ties but the honesty and sincerity in loving your family in good and bad times.

In Friendship..

Love means more then just care its a sharing thing that goes beyond giving. IT like a miracle God created for you. He would give this person to you, Someone that suit you in term of personality and comfort... They are like angles that protect and shelter you as you cry and laugh.. they are also the one that knows your heart and never hurt you... even if it mean sgiving without a return..

In your soul mate..

God has shape someones heart to beat as fast a car could drive and as loud as a voice could scream. He have given this gift of loving in the hope that it teaches one to sacrifices for love and strengthening ones heart to fight for a future that is worth. In this bond love is like a source of strength and a miracle that is beyond words to discribe. It memory can be as beautiful as paridise or as cold as a dark grave.

These are some thing i came to realize as travel alot and stay by myself. My surrounding teached me alot even by watching a mother holding her child i could feel the warmth in every touch. That is something i never get every day as i grew up... So yes i envy them...

5 moments in my life...

Someone asked me today...

In my entire life what are the 5 things I'll never forget...

1. The day i watch the one i care so much for die in font of me...

2. The day i found out that the family i thought i had was not mine...

3. The day i left home..

4. The time i spent missing them and only watch them by the window..

5. the moment i met my biological mum.. and she told me i was like a mistake that happen when the my parents are divorcing..


For me these moment are unforgettable. Its like a scar that is left on your skin..
but even with so much time spent healing them.. the scar would heal...
but it's the mark that is left still exudate the most painful and unhappy memories in my life.

Killer

Yesterday makes the most biggest test in my nursing career.

With this hand that welcomes her was also the hands that's kills her. Yes i Killed her.
On 28 August @ 2115hrs. This pt of mine died. She came in about 3 wks ago.. She was very nice. whenever we went in to her single room to do anything like taking her vital sign or serve her diet.. She would reward us a sweets or chocolates. She was always wearing that warm smile...
but now that smile is gone.. destroyed by this hand. I did not cared for my hands that was covered with blood from the on spot procedure i had to assist my doctor to do.. but this pain of not able to bring her back to life hurts.

I was there.. I knew her condition had turn to a worst but i never expected it to end this way. Although news travelled asking her family to prepare for the worst that this time round she might not make it through if she had another relapse was heard but i was not prepare at all. I had to do compression 2 soul yesterday from the time my shift starts, all the way to my end shift.

I lost my energy just like that. When I had lost her.... I was devastated.. The way i watch the family cry after the doctor confirm her death was a big blow i had to take. I was not allowed to cry. I even got sick in the end. on my way home in the cab I cried my heart out. As i reach home I wanted so badly to hide it but i failed .... I can't lie to myself and i spent crying in the shower for almost an hour.

I only wish i could say sorry to them yesterday...I fel so bad when the eldest daughter hold my hand and said "its Ok... At leatst you tried your best and thank you for everyting..." that makes me guilty.... Yes i blame myself....

I know we Nurses are not a miracle being that is capable of changing ones fate and that when it comes to a life and deah situation we have no choice but to do our best and let God handle the rest... But stil i wish i had a chance to do mare to prevent death from happening in fron of me...

A heart

What is the use of having a heart if we can't learn to share it.
What good is a heart if it emotionless?
If a heart is only meant to be lonely where's the fairness in life...

No one knows whats' the use of the heart...
We can confess love to a million of people but still never find the happiness in life.
We could also break a thousand heart but still our wound don't heal.
We can even lie in the name of true love but no one would care..
because people don't know how to treasure what they got until they loose it.

The day we realize what went wrong with our heart..
Regrets is the only best would to describe the felling that is left behind.
Honestly that's what happen to me...

I loved him with all my heart can beat..
And wanted nothing more then an honest feelings in return.
But is it my mistake that in my pursue to become a better person i let my past hold me behind from expressing my need to love and be there for him...
When i come to know his feelings..
It was not that easy to live with..
Because the one that hold his heart is not me... but Her....

I don't have a choice but to accept what was written in my fate..
I even help him pursue Her..
Although it breaks my heart alot but one can only stand there and accept it as a mistake made
by our carelessness.

I give up... I'm feel really hopeless..
As a friend he called me..
What else could i as for...
I could ask of him one thing would be this friendship to last.
That's all..

People who hear this heart cry in silence could never understand why i did what i did.
But my mind was clear..
"I only wanted him to be happy even if the one he loved was not me. Because watching
him smile makes me happy being who i am even though it means being alone again..."

Pray...

Dear God..

Hear this little heart pray..
I pray that you would always guide me in times i make dicision..
So that ill never make the same mistakes again and again..

I hope people could believe that there is some good in me..
No matter how bad my past was or even the mistakes that i ever did.

I beg you to give me a chance to set things right..

I want people to know i'm capable of changes,
I can Change.. I know i can.
And i will do all i can to make it happen.

I want people to believe that i'm a strong person..
That i can accept pain and defeat..
Although I don't cry even if the pain kills me slowly..
It could be my pride that my tears don't fall as i cry.

I know lack in many ways.. only because i'm human...
But i hope that in every ways that i'm lack...
I let my Faith in God help me pull through..

I know i am more of a beast in so many ways,
but please believe I'm a change person now...
That i no longer was who i was back then..

Secret

Today i had a hard time telling myself to forget. Even though I'm actually forgetful.... This faithful incident i can never forget..

Its' been almost 1 yr since i had this nightmare... The nightmare my adopted family gave me, today i watch a mother beating her own grandchild in public with the umbrella.
That scene gave me the anger that i didn't realize what i was doing.. I just walk straight at that women pull the umbrella from her and push her to the ground and start screaming to that women.. and half a time i didn't even realize what i was saying.. when my in charge came and pull me out of that crowd then i came back to reality....


I remember growing up being beaten by her walking stick... No one knows the most ugliest part of me is my back... it has a scare of 39 stitches.. I got that hideous scar on my 7th birthday.. A present from my grandma. that is the thing i have that never will give me strength...

For a start...

I may not be the best person in this world. Even like any others that makes mistake.. but I make mistakes that can never be forgiven. Those who know me will tell you i'm a monster. But its true. I often live on others pain as my own hapiness. If you grew up the way i did then you'll understand my words. Growing up was not easy, especially the only thing that trouble me.. doesn't provide me with any strength are scars and marks that is left by my childhood memories.

Still many time i gave myself chances to mend my ways but i often disappoint not only myself but also people around me.

I turn 17 when i find out i was adopted. Only god knows how it pains me. Knowing that people that i often call family my entier life actually shares no blood ties leaves me feeling guilty of all times when i hurt and break each of their heart. So by making their life a little easier to breath i move out of that home. thats what that women always wanted.

Even though i have a loving Uncle in my life whom i'm staying with.. I just don't feel right to always be holding on to him. I just wish i could disappear for good. Then maybe it would have been better for everyone.