Killer

Yesterday makes the most biggest test in my nursing career.

With this hand that welcomes her was also the hands that's kills her. Yes i Killed her.
On 28 August @ 2115hrs. This pt of mine died. She came in about 3 wks ago.. She was very nice. whenever we went in to her single room to do anything like taking her vital sign or serve her diet.. She would reward us a sweets or chocolates. She was always wearing that warm smile...
but now that smile is gone.. destroyed by this hand. I did not cared for my hands that was covered with blood from the on spot procedure i had to assist my doctor to do.. but this pain of not able to bring her back to life hurts.

I was there.. I knew her condition had turn to a worst but i never expected it to end this way. Although news travelled asking her family to prepare for the worst that this time round she might not make it through if she had another relapse was heard but i was not prepare at all. I had to do compression 2 soul yesterday from the time my shift starts, all the way to my end shift.

I lost my energy just like that. When I had lost her.... I was devastated.. The way i watch the family cry after the doctor confirm her death was a big blow i had to take. I was not allowed to cry. I even got sick in the end. on my way home in the cab I cried my heart out. As i reach home I wanted so badly to hide it but i failed .... I can't lie to myself and i spent crying in the shower for almost an hour.

I only wish i could say sorry to them yesterday...I fel so bad when the eldest daughter hold my hand and said "its Ok... At leatst you tried your best and thank you for everyting..." that makes me guilty.... Yes i blame myself....

I know we Nurses are not a miracle being that is capable of changing ones fate and that when it comes to a life and deah situation we have no choice but to do our best and let God handle the rest... But stil i wish i had a chance to do mare to prevent death from happening in fron of me...