My Coward Self

Because of my coward self,
Because I’m afraid of being hurt,
Because I dare not show myself.
I stood there behind a group of people...
And wave my goodbye here.
I know you all are leaving for good.
This is my only chance...
To ask forgiveness and make you all stay.
But the cowardliness of myself, showed me how,
I silently cry my heart out behind your back.
I couldn’t run towards you all,
I couldn’t show myself to you.
Because all I ever give you is pain.
This painful moment will not fade away easily.
Your crying face is all I could remember.
I can’t even say the simplest word... “Sorry.”
To set things straight.
So here I stood by myself... hiding,
Crying alone while waving my final goodbyes likes a fool.
My cowardliness leaves me only loneliness.
This is the price I pay for being coward.
My punishment...

if you are going to go...

If you are going to go...Then go,
Leave before I become weak.
Leave before I’m broken.
Leave before I cry,
Leave before I forget...
Because that is all I ask of.

If you are going to go... Now is the time,
Go away this moment,
Go because you have to.
Go because you loved her,
Go because you want to...
Now that is all I want from you.

If you are going to go... Please leave first.
This is as much I could take.
This betrayal is too much for me.
This painful feeling should go.
This unhappiness should stop.
No point trying to keep it going.

If you are going to go... Know this...
I’m leaving you now,
I’m letting you go...
I’m not going to stay,
I’m not going to be there for you anymore.
So don’t look for me anymore.

Hurt inside

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

It Rain...

I spent the whole of one day to get myself together.
Thankfully, it rained that night.
It rain so heavily that even as I walk down the road without an umbrella,
To shelter me... no one knew I spent that moment crying till my heart content.
I needed that moment to myself.
A moment to pick myself up again.
A moment where I could force my pain out of my heart.
A moment to just let everything washed away from my soul.
That moment when I cannot lie anymore.
I can’t even hide myself.
I no longer could pretend to be the strong person I was before.
That moment I was at my most breaking and unbearable state.
There was so much confusion, so much uncertainty and so much inner conflict.
All this require time for me to sort out...
But most of all I needed to cry this pain and torturous feeling away.
Because every time I open my eyes,
The image of his crying face still lingers in my sight.
The guilt I had for breaking his heart is my sin to carry.
So don’t forgive me Dad. I don’t deserve it at all.
I just know that someday I’ll figure it all out.
Life will get better maybe another few months or even a year later.
So don’t ask me how I’m copping now, because I don’t have any answer with me right now.

Day Four: Last Goodbye

The idiot is one who cried the most. For the first time I felt that the most stupid one was me. I tried lying, and I even tried betraying... but all I could see now as I stood here in front of a mirror is “the idiot who lost everything”. By hiding that pain I choose to run and leave first. But who am I kidding! The one who cried first was me... only me.

This reflection, this tearing figure on the mirror... So much regrets, so much pain. I didn’t mind being here alone again. But my most inner feelings can tell you that I am most afraid to stay this lonely again. I wasn’t prepared to be left behind again. Although I’m so good at pretending to be strong, but I’m the weak one here.

I did the most despicable things by hurting him. The things I did and things I said... no matter how hard I try, I cannot take it back. Till this moment all I could remember was how I broke his heart. The image of his crying face never once left my sight even when I tried to brush it away from my eyes it’s still there. When I close my eyes... I could hear him cry a painful lie of mine. Even when he refuse to believe what he saw, trust me he even beg me to say “All this is a lie. Dad.” I refuse...

If I could tell someone that it was all an act out drama just so I could leave them behind, I am sure thousand others out there would understand my pain of my action. My uncle knows all my lies... because while I was acting that betrayal scene, he was watching me do it all as I clench my fist so tight. He saw how I try not to cry when my dad beg me to tell him the truth... and he saw my tearing eyes as I turn away from my mother.

My mother, the person I prayed for the love and affection from. Today she stood there in front of me and watches me lie after another. No words to describe my action, she just stood there with that surprise look on her face. I did this for her. “See Mum, look how I would give you, your life that you desire and destroy mine in return. I wish you got your happiness now and know this, I forgive you for all the pain you left me with.” These were the only words I told her before I turn away. I had enough of patience and waiting for her, because all I ever got out of it was how much broken I’ve become now then before.

I wouldn’t ask to be forgiven, and don’t ask me to forgive again, because I cannot. I don’t want to look at you all again because it hurts what I cannot undo. I rather you all leave now and hate me all your life so I’ll remember the pain I’ve induce to you all as a family. If only “sorry” was enough then all this might not hurt so much. I can only pray that “God” would be kind enough to slowly take it away and make you forget. You all deserve a better happiness without me. I can only hope for tomorrow to rain because only then I could cry till my heart content.

Day Three:

There is nothing to say,
Nothing we could do to change what was already destines to end...
Even if it’ll be regrets, or even a broken heart...
I don’t have the courage to change what I ought to do then...
No amendment done can undo our pain,
No miracle would reverse this suffering we both had over these years.
Even so...
All we ever selfishly desire was just to put an ending to our miserable past.
It’s coward of us to hurt others like this and pretend that it’ll be better later.
But when? When would everything be better?
Another 10 years? Or another 15 years more?
Honestly...
How long does it take one to forget this?
How long would it take to heal one heart?
How much more does one have to give to see freedom for themselves?
Even i don’t have an answer to that.

"Mum, this would be the last time i call you that.
There are so many secrets between us.
So many lies and unhappiness present in our lives.
We both tried pretending to be happy, but who are we trying to lie to?
We couldn’t even say words to comfort each other’s pain...

There are traces of regrets in our action.
But all we both ever did was hurt each other more.
But mum, I tried to make you like me. But it’s difficult.
Our days are coming to an end...
As promise! I’ll take my leave now and disappear from your life.
All you have to promise me is...
You’ll find the happiness you deserve in life.
And i will miss you and slowly forget you..."

DAY TWO:

The morning begins with such sunny sun shine its bright ray of lights from my room window. I didn’t see myself fall asleep, maybe I’ve cried through the night till I was finally asleep. The best gift of strength came such a shock... my Uncle he finally made it here. Just as you could guess... he sat on the chair thru the night holding my hand as I lay in slumber.

I was preparing for My OP today... still no sign of my Mother here. Only my Stepfather faithfully came to visit me in the morning. I suppose from where I stood in this room, it doesn’t take long for them both to realise how disappointed I was when my Mother refuse to come.

This moment before I step into the Operation theatre... My Dad said something to me that cause a little hesitation to my decision. “You don’t have to force yourself to do this if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t blame you or hate you if you change your mind. All I want is for you to be happy.”

Still I clenched my hands and smile at him... I don’t understand why I did so. But at that point of time, I was a little happy that his concern was not for the operation to run smoothly but mostly about my happiness. Dear God, if you are hearing my prayers... grant me the strength to pull thru these obstacles and give me enough courage to make a decision that would entrust everyone I care for a glimpse of happiness even if that picture would not include me.

When I was awake around 7pm, the room was so silent only the table light was left on to brighten the room. Guess who was there waiting for me... It was only my dad. Even so it still fills my heart with ½ cup of happiness to know that I was not alone...

Another day will soon leave us,
It would leave us feeling another pain would come.
Even when it’s difficult to hide,
We still choose to pretend that we are strong.
Another day would come,
Still no changes done to amend the problem...
Someone will regret, while another would cry,
There’s so much to say in such little time,
So much to do, so hard to get it started.
When another day is gone...
I would be leaving, so would you.
I would regret this, and I would also be the one who would lose everything.

Day ONE...

It's the longest day ever...
All the test and blood taking, really worn a person. I never felt more alone then this.
My uncle... he wasn't here, no one is anyway. These few days that went by, allows me to see what i would be missing the most once an ending comes...

I can't believe I'm saying this... but the truth is there is so much I wish I had done with them. So at least there would me memories of them that I could keep with me. I never knew any cooler DAD that him, one whose attention is worth having and whose love is greater beyond the ocean...
My Brothers whom i didn't had enough time to watch them grow, they were the best part of my life. you know the feeling of being called "Big Sister" by such adorable loving and hyperactive brothers... was my gift from heaven. Their innocence alone is enough to brighten my gloomy dark world...

All i could talk about now is only them but not my Mum... I didn't see her much.
Wish my Uncle could stay with me....

" I know he tried his best...

I know he wants to be there for me when the time comes,

Even when it'll hurt me the most,

He rather silent his mouth and watch me go through all of it.

Because he knew only then I would be able to pick myself up,

and move forward even when I'm uncertain of my own future.

He knew alot...

About how I lie to myself every day saying that I'm OK..,

Or how I spent my time counting the days ahead of me,

Or even how I cried my way to bed every night....

He knew about it all this while even without saying it...

Now, all he ever tried to do was be there for me and hold my hand

in these last moments of goodbyes,

After which i knew he would I knew how he sat beside my bed

and wipe my tears as lay in slumber...

Because all he Ever tried to do was make me a stronger person that I was...."

A Gentle Pat

A gentle pat on the head can mean so much to someone like me. The comfort touch from that warm hand, gives off a secure and loving vibes that makes one heart feel so loved.

I was sick yesterday when i had an unexpected visit. When i opened that door, it was my stepfather standing with his had full of groceries bag. Truth to be told, I wish it was my mum instead but never the least i’m grateful of his presence. He said that he found out that i was not well from my uncle. He came over despite his hectic working days and stayed till the late evening when my uncle came home. This is the first time someone cooked and clean for me.

He cooked me a simple bowl of porridge but each spoon taste the love of a father to his child, this mixed emotion inside me actually moved me to tears... i cried silently as i eat each spoon of it. I hope he never hear me cry. I only knew him being here was trying to understand me and create some bond between us. But whenever I’m asked of questions about myself ,I’ll say little in reply. Since I’m determine to leave them, I wouldn’t say much so there will always be this empty feelings and this distance will become wider between us as time goes by.

He fed me my medicine and sent me to bed, covers my blanket for me. Then he said “ You should try to sleep as much as possible. I’ll be here so don’t worry.” After that he sat beside me and pat my head till I was asleep... When I was half asleep with my back facing the opposite direction of where he sat, i heard him say as few thing that wasn’t clear to my ears. But the last line of words he whisper to my ears was very clear “I wished your mum had told me about you sooner, So i could have you close to me and love you like my own.”And he gave me a gentle kiss on my forehead. I cried another silent cry as i lay there hearing him say it... No one would ever understand the kind of feeling i had at that point of time or how much that gentle kiss and pat means so much to an orphan like myself.

Honestly, I envy Hakim for having such loving person for a father. Even as much i wished he was my own. I stop myself from having such thoughts .I have to keep my promise, I must leave them when time comes. I must stop myself from loving them as my own or else when it time to say goodbye it’ll hurt a million times more. But Mum... for now let me be selfish. Let me keep this warmth a little longer.... I’ll promise you I’ll let it go when i say my goodbyes, i wouldn’t keep even a trace of this...