A one day trauma

This has been the worst week in my entire life..

For the first time today i had an 'E'- OT done at 1615hrs.. I was there to assist.. I did this procedure too many times but never come a cross a sudden complication as worst as this..I never did expected that a simple case could bring a death of two people today..

In the OT..When the surgeon and us nurses realize the tumor has spread too near the carotid artery it was already too late.. We only saw it when we remove the largest tumor that was on the lower right side neck that was pressing on to patients air pipe.. When we saw it.. Pt was already bleeding internally.. And no matter how hard i put pressure on it it was still bleeding.. the blood was protruding through my fingers.

The people there was concentrating on how to revive the body and I was too busy with what I was told to do.. "Stand there and put pressure" that's what they keep repeating to me.. I was standing there for more then 2hrs..

By the then we could no longer feel any pulse present.. Death was certified.. I only saw myself covered with blood "lots of it" from my glove, my scrub suit till my scrub shoe.. I'm actually standing on a pool of blood.. fresh red blood

The second death comes upon the news that was broke to the wife of the deceased. In front of the entire family that women just collapse. The son I suppose, carried the Mother and rushed her to the nearest ICA as instructed by my MO'S. I was there with my MO'S and other ICA staff trying all we can to revive her.. But we fail.... I watch that family grieve over two lost lives without saying a word to anyone at all...

This is what happen today that takes less then 5hrs. I could never really expressed what I feel then.. Maybe a part of me was afraid, and there's a part of me that grieves together with them..
But seriously one thing Nursing has thought me, is to Numb my emotion.. when I'm facing death of my patients. It only makes us seem more emotionless because over the years as we face frequent death we learn not to grieve or sympathise anymore.. That's what one of my Senior said..