So far..

There is me here standing right next to you..
Even so I find that it's the most difficult to reach you..
At times I don't seem to understand your thoughts but now..
I fail to be your dearest..

I wanted so much to be where ever you are..
But no matter how hard I try, I'll never could reach your heart,

When you needed a friend, I fail to become one.. even when I'm so near.
When you needed a hug, I didn't know how to hold you.
When you needed comfort, I couldn't give you any.
When you needed strength, I didn't have any to share with you.
When you cry painfully... I could never wipe those tears away.
And when your heart is badly wounded..
I still can't take away your pain or do anything to ease your sufferings.

Even when I'm there..
My touch became transparent to you,
My voice become silence to your ears,
And my presence was never notice by you..

To me...
Your every step leaves me with emptiness and pain..
Although I was near but your every words, makes me sound so distance..
That even as I'm crying and shouting at you, My presence was there...
But my soul and voice were so far.. far away...
Evaporated into the sky.........

A one day trauma

This has been the worst week in my entire life..

For the first time today i had an 'E'- OT done at 1615hrs.. I was there to assist.. I did this procedure too many times but never come a cross a sudden complication as worst as this..I never did expected that a simple case could bring a death of two people today..

In the OT..When the surgeon and us nurses realize the tumor has spread too near the carotid artery it was already too late.. We only saw it when we remove the largest tumor that was on the lower right side neck that was pressing on to patients air pipe.. When we saw it.. Pt was already bleeding internally.. And no matter how hard i put pressure on it it was still bleeding.. the blood was protruding through my fingers.

The people there was concentrating on how to revive the body and I was too busy with what I was told to do.. "Stand there and put pressure" that's what they keep repeating to me.. I was standing there for more then 2hrs..

By the then we could no longer feel any pulse present.. Death was certified.. I only saw myself covered with blood "lots of it" from my glove, my scrub suit till my scrub shoe.. I'm actually standing on a pool of blood.. fresh red blood

The second death comes upon the news that was broke to the wife of the deceased. In front of the entire family that women just collapse. The son I suppose, carried the Mother and rushed her to the nearest ICA as instructed by my MO'S. I was there with my MO'S and other ICA staff trying all we can to revive her.. But we fail.... I watch that family grieve over two lost lives without saying a word to anyone at all...

This is what happen today that takes less then 5hrs. I could never really expressed what I feel then.. Maybe a part of me was afraid, and there's a part of me that grieves together with them..
But seriously one thing Nursing has thought me, is to Numb my emotion.. when I'm facing death of my patients. It only makes us seem more emotionless because over the years as we face frequent death we learn not to grieve or sympathise anymore.. That's what one of my Senior said..

goodbye

Making it the only chance i have..
I learn to say good bye..
Good bye to life, pain, loneliness.. and love..
Learning to leave it's never easy..
Counting the numbers of day you left till it's over, is even harder..

For love...Despite my love for you..

I came to realize that it was never enough to keep you with me.. It never was..

I wanted so much to be where you are..But i became afraid.. Afraid of myself...

If i could lie for just a moment longer just so you could stay with her forever..
As away to say good bye without regrets..
I'll do it willingly..

I thought i was the victim here..

Later on i found out, everything was a lie..

I was the third person..

I took everything away from her...

Her family, friends, her life.. and now her love..

As much as i apologise..

I never could take away the amount of pain i left her with...

And here i was..
As selfish as i am..
I could never be true in loving someone..
A part from pain.. what else am i capable of?
I just want to make the situation right again..
By returning you to her..
It the only right thing to do.. believe me it's the hardest to fulfill
Even if it hurt my heart the most..
I'll learn to say goodbye this way..

I know somewhere deep inside you.. you must have loved her once....

All I'm asking you is to live it well by forgetting me..

Give her a chance to be the one to hold your heart again..

And i hope you find that love before i truly say good bye..

LOve is waITinG

LOve Is WaiTIng...

WAiting to BeloveD..

WaitinG to Be ApericiaTEd..

LOve iS a GIft for deSIers, thaT requIre alOT of paTienCE aNd SacriFICE.

LOve haS to alWAys be giVINg anD forgIvInG anD To ENdurE whaTEveR COMes.

LoVINg SomeONe Is HavIng to AccePt And ShaRE BotH sTRengTH and WeaKNess.

ThE swEeTness Of LOve IS crUel bY NAture..

IT ofTEn eXudates THe PAinFUL and BroKeN MoMEnts..

THat WoulD leAVE teaRs iN yoUR eYes..

BuT stiLL givEs Out HAppINess ThaT goES beyoNd Words..

A Kind OF MIracLE thAt ONly The RECeIver CouLd DIscribe!

LOVe Has ITs' TimE And MOmenT..

IT Can OnlY be poSSeSS bY ThoSe wHO pUt in EffoRT IN fIgHting

FOr the LOve oF Their LiFE...

BeCAuSe LOve IS AlwayS WaiTing PatiENtly ANd FAitHfuLLy..

FOr US to FINd AnD EmBRace IT...

Please be true...

I have loved you.. over and over again,

I have forgiven you.. times and times again,

But to be the one who always awaits you... to come back..

It's tiring and painful..

Honestly... i grew tired of waiting patiently and believing

That someday your love would come back to me...

I must have loved and forgive you too much,

That it takes me a while before I came to realize,

It was was my heart that is breaking and tearing apart..

I accept if fate has written you for someone else,

Because..

This time when you turn and walk away,

I know.. you are not coming back...

I never really ask much.. Except for you to be true..

I only pray that i never have to see someone else in your arms..

But it happened..

I wanted so bad to ask you..

But could never find the courage to...

Why.. does it has to be her?

Is she everything that I'm not for you?

When I've always been right next to you.. Waiting..

I beg of you.. Please be true..

Listen.. Now onwards..

I am capable of loving you that much..

And I can only forgive you this much..

I'll take it all.. and accept it if I must..

You've been unfair and unfaithful..

And that breaks my heart..

Still I only ask of you..

Please be true...

Even if the one you love is no longer me..

Suara di jiwa teronta-ronta,

Mata yang melihat, Hati yang memandang,

Menjerit, Meraung, Merantap seribu bahasa.

Namun..

Jendela di bibir tertutup rata,

Keluh di lidah tak mampu berkata-kata,

Puteri di mata, Puteri di jiwa,

Maaf dipinta terkasar bahasa,

Terhenti nafas, masih bernyawa.

Umpama kunci.. salah pintunya,

Terjumpa pintu.. hilang kuncinya,

Ibarat ada dalam tiada.

Namun..

Engkau disini, Aku disana,

Terutang berbudi berkata di hati,

Menyusun langkah, Tersisir dibelakang,

Terus berundur, Terlangkah ke depan,

Di sini tidak, Di sana pun tidak.

Sedingin nafas, jantung ku bertanya,

Sedetik rasa, Jiwa ku berkata,

Sepatu birumu menemukan kita,

Sepatu merah ku kau bawa bersama,

Namun.. Putera hati ku entah di mana..

Hati terasa, airmata mengalir jua,

Tiada rupa, tanpa suara, tanpa bicara,

Hati berdetik seribu bahasa,

Hendak merayu tiada tempatnya,

Hendak menagis tiada sebabnya,

Sekelumit hatiku yang ada,

Entah apa tujuannya..

Namun.. Hatimu.. hatimu.. jua

Hati meronta merawan sepi,

Disini kasih, Disana simpati,

Disini pergi, Disana menanti,

Walaupun sepatu merah mu menjadi saksi,

Walau langkah ku di sisi, langkah mu ke tepi,

Namun..

Setiap kegelapan malam..
Akhirnya pasti menjelang pagi...