Life's a Story book...

What we cannot see in ourselves,

Is reflected as we look at a mirror...

When we fail to see a reality,

Beneath the tales that run thru our lives,

There is always someone,

Someone who suddenly came to the picture,

And tell you what you see is just a passed by chapters.

Like in a story book...

When you fail to read between the lines,

You’ll never understand why certain character,

Plays their role that way,

Why some continuously get hurt and suffer,

When another always win every fights.

Books are a reflection of real life.

The things you read about,

Is the same as what we see with our naked eyes.

We all grief over certain things,

We all smile over the happy memories.

But the best part about every chapters,

Is how at every fall,

You learn to get back on your feet again.

Not that Bad... to say my farewell

It wasn’t that bad...
It’s not the worst I had to go through with...
The lost I felt from letting them go.
Is a secret the world already knows of.
I told the world, my heart...
That even when the wound here [my heart]
Even if they don’t heal,
I believe time will slowly help numb them.
I believe God would take the pain away.
And everything will get better again.
This day on, till tomorrow then forever.
I’ll carry on living this empty hole in me.
I’ll have no regrets on what I choose to let go.
Because I’ll always forever would keep them in my prayers.
The best gift a child could give her Mother,
Is an everlasting prayer for her happiness.
It may not be much,
But it’s sufficient to last a life time.
Even God say, “When you pray for someone’s well being,
It’s as good as asking to be forgiven.”
I know I may lost something now,
But someday this empty hole,
Will be filled with a new hope and dreams.
And from that hope the wound here would heal on its own.
So if you ask me now,
“In ten years time would I regret not giving us a chance to be a family?”
My answer would be” No... I don’t regret it.”
Because somehow I know we were happy the way we are now.

Dear Family...

Mum...

I wish really wished we never have to meet again.

There is so much I wanted to know. But let’s just say I didn’t have the courage to ask all that you have buried beneath the world. I didn’t want to stay and continue to watch your hatred that run down my soul. So here I am.... finally giving up. I will not keep you here for myself. And I hope by me leaving it’ll give you some peace in your life.

I hated myself because of you; I hated myself because you make me envy my brother. But I guess it doesn’t matter now. I already give “him” back to you. One thing I learn from all this is, I shouldn’t keep whets not mine. Maybe we are not meant to be a family that I yearn so much. But I certainly do know one truth... It’s a lost that we became like this in the end.

Remember when I say “I will never forgive you.” I take them back. I come to understand that if I choose to move on... I must let you go, and by letting you go means forgiveness must come as an ending to a past. I wanted to close this door and open fresh new ones. One that has no image of you in it. Yes, I forgive you... even when my heart tells me you don’t deserve it at all.

My uncle, he told me something yesterday, after going through so much, I deserve to be forgiven and forgive, I deserve some happiness for myself too. He told then, “that God is fair”. Even he made me struggle thru so much pain and unhealed wound... “God is kind”; He’ll make everything better again. So I’m certain in future, that everything will become good again so I will never regretted doing what I did for you. I suppose now, we don’t own each other anything... so goodbye.

Step Dad...

I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.

These words they are the most hardest to say. But I’ll say them out for you.

You were like the best gift in my life. You accepted me when my own mother refuses me. It hurts a lot here “my heart” when I wounded your pride as a father. I’ll never forget how I made you cry that day. How bitterly each times those tears flow.

I’ll always cherish the smile you gave me. Even when all this happiness lived short. Know this well, those were the best memories I had. At least now I wouldn’t yearn so much to be creased by a father. For all those nights that you came over and took care of me. I know my mum hated it. But still did came over these few nights and give me a gentle kiss on my forehead. I’ll miss those.

I’m just so sorry that we cannot be a family that you dream of so much. I know I once promise that I’ll try my best to make mum accept me. But forgive me now that I’ve given up those dreams. I will not hold her back any more. She is not my mother. She’s faizal’s mum... not mine. I don’t have the right to keep her. I hope you understand this.

Please don’t come to see me anymore because if you do, I’ll run away again. I promise mum that I will not take any of you away from her. I told her that I’ll be leaving first this around. At least it would not hurt so much as it did when I watch you all leave that day at the airport.

So Dad... this is my last time calling you that. Could you promise me something! Promise me you would not blame Mum for me leaving. Don’t hate her for all the pain she gave me. Love her because she deserved it after all the suffering she had to go through for hiding my birth from you... Promise me ok. Take care... I’ll love you always. Goodbye.

Your child... with love, Ain.

Todays the day...

It's almost time, time for me to go...

But the person i yearn to see is not coming...

I know she'll never come , so is he....

I predicted today would be a warm day,

but as i'm looking outside the window,

The blue bright sky slowly fades away.

The clouds are turning grey and heavy...

and the sun seem to sank into the thick dark clouds...

The rain is coming.

The rain is almost coming,

The land will soon flood with the tears from the sky,

Someone once told me,

" If it rains outside, Somebody out there just got their heart broken.."

It begins to rain now...

Slowly it became heavy...

Soon even the outside world turns dark and cold from my sight.

Even my warm room seem so cold here.

It's almost time for me to go...

I turn away and look at the mirror,

What I saw was a crying face of myself...

Then I thought of the rain,

Maybe that "Somebody" was actually Me...

Past... turn back

There will be so much lost if you don’t turn back.

If you don’t learn to understand the past,

There’s so much you’ll end up losing.

There will always be a part of you that says “you’re regretting it”.

Not because you lost it.

But because you never treasure it.

There is a certain truth that becomes lies over the years.

There are these truths that will crease to disappear.

Some truth still struggle to be known.

Forever there will always be this someone,

Who would make all the good vanished,

And the bad will keep coming.

If you never learn to trust what your past have,

Then the future will always stay the same as before.

You can only see yourself in the mirror,

But you’ll never will see others in the picture.

People, they come to you like a gust of wind,

The wind will come and goes on its own,

But they never will blow the same place twice,

With the same wind that already left.

If regret should come and stay...

Know this well...

It’ll never leave even when you are at your breaking ends.

Cruel Love...

No, no...
It’s just too much, too much.
It hurt, oh it hurts,
It’s not fair... not fair.
What should I do? What to do?
I cried that day,
I cried till my heart content.
I cried till my heart drowns with sorrow.
All this pain sticking in me,
It hurts so badly,
So much that my heart becomes numb.
I scream out loud to God.
“Why must you do this?”
“Why must you take it away from me?”
I can’t take it.
I sit on the floor of god house...
And cried miserably.

In this box of confession.
I look at my love,
And cried bitterly.
As i speak the truth about my past.
How did it become like this.
I ask myself this.
He gave me his heart.
And now, I’m about to tear it apart.
How can I hurt him?
Hurt him because of my past.
Why must he want me so much?
Why must he make it harder for me?
Why must he care so much about me?
I can’t let him go, I’ll die without him.
Please... Oh please...
I beg of you... don’t take it away.
I rather not live if I’ve part from him.
My life will become meaningless....
I’ll become pathetic...
Oh God... if you want to take it away...
Take my life instead.

-UnWanted

Dying...

Dying... is not so bad.
Maybe it’s difficult for you to understand,
Why I desire to leave this world so much.
I could not live knowing that I’m hated.
I was always not known of my existence.
So what difference does it makes it I die here,
I hate living in a world where no love is pure,
The love people kept speaking of,
Is just empty word in promises?
And a tool used to gain revenge to satisfy their thirst of hatred.
So now...
That life became meaningless to live...
Let me be, let me die,
I took this knife and swear to my soul,
My most despair moment,
I tell my soul how dying will free me,
So as i held it near my heart,
With no regret I stab it in me.
This last few breath I take,
I saw myself reflected in this mirror...
Blood kept pouring out of me...
But I couldn’t help to smile.
Look I say in my stabbed and torn heart.
“I’m glad I was here to love once before,
I had my whole heart torn and broken.
Even when that entire affair was a lie, I really did love him.
This blood reminds me of my tears...
Now that I’m dying, I’m glad this pain finally wears off.”

Mother's worth... A child's cry

God made mothers,
To love and cherish their sacrifices,
He then carved them with the palm of his’ hand,
Then gave them a piece of His’ own heart...
That gave them willpower to endure and to love and to give...
Mother’s are noble being that god loved
And over watched their every sacrifice.
God said that each time a mother cries...
The ocean will flood with their pain,
Causing a storm that washed off island wide sorrows.
That is what He said...

But what happen if the one who tears the most,
Is not the mother? But the daughter?
Who never ask for anything more but love...?
What would God say about a child...?
Who kept harbouring a dream that would never come,
Who looked at her past and live so painfully,
Whose heart can never love because of a women call mother?
What would God say about her tears?

Her tears that never stop flowing,
Her eyes that show the torturing reality of her life,
In which, every step she takes...
Her tears will accompany her,
They slowly weaken her sight,
They swell up her heart by each drop.
Her tears...
Have anyone asked how long has she been crying?
Or how long more must she cry before it finally stops?

God loves mothers...
But I was told God loved His’ children more...
All his’ child were gifts from heaven,
The purest being, so pure that he made them with tender loving,
Someone once told me...
No matter how noble a mother’s love is,
By leaving her child like this, is already a sin.
So now... how much does her child tears worth in this situation?

promise

Please understand,
Understand my troubles,
Understand my feelings,
Understand my pain,
Understand my heart... my love.
I cannot hold it anymore.
So blame me if you must. But...
Don’t hate love for the pain i’ve imprinted in you,
Don’t hate love for all that bad memories i gave you,
Don’t hate love because I left you here broken.
Hate me all you want.
But don’t hurt yourself.
Because it you do...
It’s the pain that I cannot take.
It’s bad enough that,
I had to leave you here for that reason.
The reason that i cannot explain.
It’s a secret that i cannot reveal.
I don’t expect much.
But just a single promise i want you to keep.
“No matter how the ending would be...
Promise me you’ll live your life the happiest you can.”

Silent