This day...

I couldn’t sleep because of this very date… is one I’ll never forget. Had anyone stood close enough to me, You would see that I was never myself again after what happen.

Four years have passed on this very date, I not only break away from people that I care for but also the most sinful things I did was the reason why I’m never the same anymore.
Had there been some better choices, and circumstances or even a chance… I might have probably not do what I already done. I remember me breaking my only family heart. The cruelest things I’ve said that I cannot take back still so freshly played in my mind like a movie player.

I left home, but never had the guts to even face them after what I did. I couldn’t even say “sorry” for breaking their hearts and wounded their pride… but if I had and ocean wide of courage I wouldn’t just say “I’m sorry” but I would have said “thanks for giving me a family when no one wanted me”.

This day when I left home.
I never regret leaving it, because letting them go means setting them free…those reasons were all I had then. I couldn’t stand watching them live such painful life just because of me, who am I to them? I’m just an adopted child. Even though they never differentiate me and their fresh and blood, I can’t stand there and watch them get hurt by that women my dad call “MOTHER”. Had you all been there and see what I’ve seen in my dad eyes. The way he tenderly looked at that “women” who don’t give a damn about his existence, he himself still awaits the day that women would call him “son”. Knowing it all how could I said “No” and hold on to them.

Being adopted to a family who loved me but could never show me those emotion. I know my parents had a few regrets in their heart for all the thing I had to go through as I grew up. Those times I had been beaten up half of my life and cried my way to sleep every night, I know those memories was the most painful they had for me. I do know so well that they always try to make this painful moments go away and how sometimes when it hurts the most, they would stay close and cried as I had in my sleep. These are some things my own fresh and blood relation mother could never accomplish.

Since the day I met this women last year… With that hatred look that she had for me felt like being stab by her. The disgusting look she had for me was like a looking back at a sinful past she tried to leave and ran away from all this years…Can anyone guess why she had to see me?
Trust me! It was not to find me or because she misses me…but because she needed something from me. Something that only I had and she needs it!

Doa kekasih

Kerana ada terlalu banyak perkara yang menyakitkan hati,
Terlalu banyak masalah yang sentiasa menguji perasaan kami.
Kerana terlalu cinta, Kerana kita terlalu menyanggi…
Di saat terakhir ini, Di hari perpisahan ini…
Kami cuba… Cuba sedaya boleh untuk terus memegang pada janji- janji kami,
Untuk cuba terus percaya pada cinta kami…
Tetapi sayang… semua dah ter lambat.
Hati yang di sakiti tak punya ubat penawarnya…
Semua itu harus di lepaskan juga…

Ya Allah…
Kami memiliki sekeping hati,
Hati yang kau berikan… dengan cinta ini yang kau hadiahkan
Kerana ingin dicintai dan mencintai,
Kau anugerahkan hidup kami dengan memiliki cinta ini.
Sesuatu yang begitu berharga dalam hidup hamba mu…
Tak terbalas kesyukuran kami terhadap mu…
Tetapi jika cinta ini datang dengan keresahan yang melukai orang lain…
Maka cinta yang dipertahan ini tak bererti lagi dalam hidup kami…

Sekarang aku mohon pada mu, Ya Allah…
Maafkanlah hamba mu.
Kami redha dengan keadaan kami.
Kau ubatilah kelukan di hati ini.
Kau ambil lah keperitan dan sengsaraan dari hati kami.
Berikan kami perluang untuk mencintai sesama diri,
Dengan secebis kebahagian di saat terakhir.
Kau hilangkan rasa dendam, marah dan kebencian dari hati kami.
Kau hapuskan airmata kami,
Kau lindungi hati kami dari terus disakiti…
Semua ini kau lakukan di hari perpisahan ini…

Ya Allah…
Di hari- hari akan datang,
Kau ringgankan beban di hati kami.
Kau bukakan pintu hati kami supaya kami dapat mencari ketenanggan.
Lalu kau kembalikan cinta dalam hidup kami.
Berikan hidup kami kesempatan untuk diubat luka ini dengan cinta yang lain.
Walaupun cinta yang kami alami itu indah…

Kami berdoa Ya Allah…
Kau berikan kami pertunjuk dan hikmah sebalik perpisahan ini.
Supaya orang yang kami sayangi bisa hidup degan kebahagiaan.
Biarpun atas kemuskilan yang menimpa hati kami.
Temukan kami dengan cinta sejati kami,
Kurniakan kami cinta seindah cinta Siti Khadijah buat Nabi Muhammad(s.w.a.)

Amin….

Dear Friend....

My friend…
You are like a piece of puzzle,
That completes me in every way.
Your hands can do miracle,
That not many can understand.
My friend…
Your tender touch…
Always ease my wound.
Your smile and laughter’s,
Always warm my heart.
When my heart breaks,
Your shoulder is my best comfort.
When I’m lost…
I was never afraid like before…
Because you, will be the first to find me.
Where ever I am.

But sometimes, my dear friend…
You give so much,
And sacrifice so many for an incompetent like me.
That when your heart got hurt…
I couldn’t do anything to help you.
When you cried…
I didn’t have the courage to wipe it away from you.
But when I knew you loved him,
I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to help you,
Even when it hurt my heart the most.
Because like you… I loved him as well.
Since the first time I saw the way you looked at him,
I knew it was not the same as before.
When you found out that the one he loved was me,
It became clear to me, that you liked him as well.

My friend, you knew everything, except my heart.
I’m sorry when I hurt you because you loved,
I’m sorry that I betray your trust,
I’m sorry that I broke your heart with my cruel words.
And left you crying miserably every night alone...
But my friend, I wasn’t far...
I was hiding behind you watching you cry everyday.
Crying just as much.
As for love… Forgive me when I left you,
When I say all those hurtful words,
I’m sorry if I even crash your dreams and wounded your pride,
I even made you hate me all your life.
So I’ll take all those cursing words you said to me.
Let God punish me for my wrongs…
I’ll accept everything…

I’m not sure when you’ll get to read this confession.
For all the crazy and insane thing I did to you both…
No words can explain how I felt from the start.
Thanks for all those memories.
They were the best gift a dying person would have..

Pain

Pain…
When will you leave…
How long do you have to stay?
Its’ such sadness that pain…
Can never leave me alone.
Pain… even if you are a part of me…
I’ll accept any punishment you give.
But please for once release me from this guilt,
That you have left weighing down on my shoulders.

I’ll trade my freedom for this one chance,
In this one day in my life,
For this one plead I had…
Please release me from this guilt.
I would want for just one day in my whole lifetime,
To live and breath fresh air of painless.

Pain…
I never want you far,
Neither would I want you near.
You can me my strength and my weakness.
Or you could be both at once and tore me a part later.
Pain oh pain…
This life of mine,
Take if you must, every piece of it…
Take it all…

I’ll never ask for anything more,
I’ll never ever would ask for anything else in the future…
In this last moment in his life, mine as well…
Please take it as if I’m begging of you,
On my knees kneeling before you…
Give our last moment together,
A memory of us loving each other painlessly….
Just one day would be sufficient…
To last our lifetime apart…

us.. our last

I couldn’t do anything for you,
Except hurting you more...
I couldn’t even cry with you,
When you began to tearing,
I couldn’t even hold us together...
Even when I knew this is our last chance...
Since I can’t ask you to leave me,
I have no choice but to force you out of me....

I never meant to hurt “Us”.
Because what we had was the last chance...
We seek this opportunity more than anything left between us.
But I couldn’t lie to myself….
I couldn’t lie to you about my betrayal…
I know since knowing it happened…
It changes everything including us.

We can try to rewrite that same part,
Over and over again,
Still we can never pretend like it never happen.
We both got hurt by it…
Even when it began with your fault…
But still it ended as my mistake…
And that is something I cannot ignore.

When we got hurt this much…
Because we tried to ease our pain by lying,
Lying that thing will be better,
Lying that everything is just history…
So answer me now…
Can you still embrace me in your arms after what I did?
Can you truly pretend to not care about everything?
No… no you can’t.

If you embrace me,
You would felt his warmth lingering on my skin.
If you try to kiss me,
Then you’ll taste his kisses on my lips.
And when you hold my hands…
Your skin will burn because by every touch of mine.
Can you still call this love?

For once listen to me,
Love is just another fairytale with an illusion happy ending.
We cannot force to love or love to follow.
Because we are no longer fools…
If back then you left first.
Allow me to be the first to leave this time.
Because unlike you I can’t lie anymore,
I can’t pretend anymore…
I can only inflict pain in your heart,
To a point where I could just tear them apart…

I very well knew this is our last chance…
Last chance to make thing right again.
But we should stop using our heart to solve our needs,
We should just let it go because it’s time we end it here.