Killer

Yesterday makes the most biggest test in my nursing career.

With this hand that welcomes her was also the hands that's kills her. Yes i Killed her.
On 28 August @ 2115hrs. This pt of mine died. She came in about 3 wks ago.. She was very nice. whenever we went in to her single room to do anything like taking her vital sign or serve her diet.. She would reward us a sweets or chocolates. She was always wearing that warm smile...
but now that smile is gone.. destroyed by this hand. I did not cared for my hands that was covered with blood from the on spot procedure i had to assist my doctor to do.. but this pain of not able to bring her back to life hurts.

I was there.. I knew her condition had turn to a worst but i never expected it to end this way. Although news travelled asking her family to prepare for the worst that this time round she might not make it through if she had another relapse was heard but i was not prepare at all. I had to do compression 2 soul yesterday from the time my shift starts, all the way to my end shift.

I lost my energy just like that. When I had lost her.... I was devastated.. The way i watch the family cry after the doctor confirm her death was a big blow i had to take. I was not allowed to cry. I even got sick in the end. on my way home in the cab I cried my heart out. As i reach home I wanted so badly to hide it but i failed .... I can't lie to myself and i spent crying in the shower for almost an hour.

I only wish i could say sorry to them yesterday...I fel so bad when the eldest daughter hold my hand and said "its Ok... At leatst you tried your best and thank you for everyting..." that makes me guilty.... Yes i blame myself....

I know we Nurses are not a miracle being that is capable of changing ones fate and that when it comes to a life and deah situation we have no choice but to do our best and let God handle the rest... But stil i wish i had a chance to do mare to prevent death from happening in fron of me...

A heart

What is the use of having a heart if we can't learn to share it.
What good is a heart if it emotionless?
If a heart is only meant to be lonely where's the fairness in life...

No one knows whats' the use of the heart...
We can confess love to a million of people but still never find the happiness in life.
We could also break a thousand heart but still our wound don't heal.
We can even lie in the name of true love but no one would care..
because people don't know how to treasure what they got until they loose it.

The day we realize what went wrong with our heart..
Regrets is the only best would to describe the felling that is left behind.
Honestly that's what happen to me...

I loved him with all my heart can beat..
And wanted nothing more then an honest feelings in return.
But is it my mistake that in my pursue to become a better person i let my past hold me behind from expressing my need to love and be there for him...
When i come to know his feelings..
It was not that easy to live with..
Because the one that hold his heart is not me... but Her....

I don't have a choice but to accept what was written in my fate..
I even help him pursue Her..
Although it breaks my heart alot but one can only stand there and accept it as a mistake made
by our carelessness.

I give up... I'm feel really hopeless..
As a friend he called me..
What else could i as for...
I could ask of him one thing would be this friendship to last.
That's all..

People who hear this heart cry in silence could never understand why i did what i did.
But my mind was clear..
"I only wanted him to be happy even if the one he loved was not me. Because watching
him smile makes me happy being who i am even though it means being alone again..."

Pray...

Dear God..

Hear this little heart pray..
I pray that you would always guide me in times i make dicision..
So that ill never make the same mistakes again and again..

I hope people could believe that there is some good in me..
No matter how bad my past was or even the mistakes that i ever did.

I beg you to give me a chance to set things right..

I want people to know i'm capable of changes,
I can Change.. I know i can.
And i will do all i can to make it happen.

I want people to believe that i'm a strong person..
That i can accept pain and defeat..
Although I don't cry even if the pain kills me slowly..
It could be my pride that my tears don't fall as i cry.

I know lack in many ways.. only because i'm human...
But i hope that in every ways that i'm lack...
I let my Faith in God help me pull through..

I know i am more of a beast in so many ways,
but please believe I'm a change person now...
That i no longer was who i was back then..

Secret

Today i had a hard time telling myself to forget. Even though I'm actually forgetful.... This faithful incident i can never forget..

Its' been almost 1 yr since i had this nightmare... The nightmare my adopted family gave me, today i watch a mother beating her own grandchild in public with the umbrella.
That scene gave me the anger that i didn't realize what i was doing.. I just walk straight at that women pull the umbrella from her and push her to the ground and start screaming to that women.. and half a time i didn't even realize what i was saying.. when my in charge came and pull me out of that crowd then i came back to reality....


I remember growing up being beaten by her walking stick... No one knows the most ugliest part of me is my back... it has a scare of 39 stitches.. I got that hideous scar on my 7th birthday.. A present from my grandma. that is the thing i have that never will give me strength...

For a start...

I may not be the best person in this world. Even like any others that makes mistake.. but I make mistakes that can never be forgiven. Those who know me will tell you i'm a monster. But its true. I often live on others pain as my own hapiness. If you grew up the way i did then you'll understand my words. Growing up was not easy, especially the only thing that trouble me.. doesn't provide me with any strength are scars and marks that is left by my childhood memories.

Still many time i gave myself chances to mend my ways but i often disappoint not only myself but also people around me.

I turn 17 when i find out i was adopted. Only god knows how it pains me. Knowing that people that i often call family my entier life actually shares no blood ties leaves me feeling guilty of all times when i hurt and break each of their heart. So by making their life a little easier to breath i move out of that home. thats what that women always wanted.

Even though i have a loving Uncle in my life whom i'm staying with.. I just don't feel right to always be holding on to him. I just wish i could disappear for good. Then maybe it would have been better for everyone.