How dying made me change…

I admit! I’m scared,
The day I knew I was dying,
It scares me the most since,
I never knew how lonely and incomplete my life was,
But I never voice out any thing…
I’m afraid that people could see me through my skin,
The real me that was afraid of love and pain.
Until I met you…
You were like a fresh new air surrounding me,
You couldn’t even tell a funny joke but you tried..
You humours and gesture were simple but sweet,
I love every second and every moment we are together…
Everything was better again,
Everyday was brighter and fun,
My friends were close,
And my parents still the same fighting….
Later on after my first treatment failed,
My insecurity became worst.
I knew since then I’m dying already…
My fright only makes me overprotective,
Everything became bad again.
Even when he finally say the 3 words I wanted the most,
I got scared…. So scared the I push him and everything else away,
I got scared that if I held on him now,
Someday he’ll leave me here,
As I’ve watched my parents did 20 years ago…

I always blamed them about everything,
My mother, she always tried her best to fix everything.
But everything she fix… don’t fit its places after that.
My dad, he never been around much,
Couldn’t remember the last time we had a conversation without arguing,
Some how I wish he would tell me he loved me back
My best friend, she’s expecting another child soon,
I miss her, I know she felt bad about me dying,
That the news of her baby reluctant her happiness toward me.
Someday, I wish I had the strength to tell her I understand her pain…
And that I forgive her for staying away when I needed her the most.
Julian…. My love,
I realise love is not love until you say it.
I loved you so much, so much that it scares me.
I wanted to be here with you always,
Not love you now but leaving you later.
You were the best thing God had given me.
The strength I need to overcome my worries and everything…
I’m just sorry that I’m leaving you behind,
Someday when it’s time im sure we’ll meet again.
Don’t cry for me when im gone,
You know how I hate to see all the sadness pouring for me,
Now I’m not scared of dying because,
In my last journey, God given me a chance to love you forever…