My Mum...

Dear Mum...
Something about you that I hated all this years,
Turnout to be the most hurtful lies you had to tolerate for me.
I never understood your intention,
But now I see as to why you rather take all my hatred,
And leave me with only good memories of my dad.
You took in his betrayal and all the pain by yourself,
Accepting all his mistakes and still try to make it through.
You hid away your tears too long,
I barely recall when was the last I saw you cry,
I cannot understand your sacrifice,
But I understood one thing,
How everything then made you stronger now before me.
I couldn’t imagine what he must have said to you when you knew his affair,
But looking at how you shield me away from the truth,
Tells me how much courage it must have taken you,
To numb your heart and put my happiness above yours.
Now as much as I wish to say “I’m Sorry”.
You only tell me “no... Don’t apologised,”
I stood there and hear you say the words,
Words imp sure you never wanted to say to me... your feelings.
How could you make me blame it all on you?
All you said was...
“Because you are my son, and I love you.”
You a mother I never knew well,
You were much braver then I thought you were.
I couldn’t be any more thankful now I know the truth.
So please accept my thanks.... and I’m sorry for all the times you cried for me.
Ren Guang Xi.

something love cannot give...

Something you did that broke my heart,
Something that forgiveness is hard to give and pain keep coming.
I’m not such a great person,
I can only accept small mistakes and forgive them,
But when it’s betrayal we talked about,
My heart cannot absorb such pain.
I cannot hid away my tears from my broken heart,
Nor was I capable enough to lie and pretend it’ll be better later.
When you make me leave first back then,
I swear I’ll never come back,
If I did so, it was for something I had to do.
But above it all nothing can change my decision.
I wasted all my love for someone like you,
I’ve given so much for you,
But in return all I ever got was more hurt then before.
Don’t tell me about loving me anymore,
Because all I heard was more lies after another.
This is not the time to ask me for anything.
Because at the depth of my heart there is nothing more I have to offer.
Not even a pinch of forgiveness for you.
Now you need to leave,
I want you to go away,
Don’t come back trying to turn back time,
Don’t apologise for the past.
Because if you do, everything about us will become such a lie,
So spare me from those last bit of pain you’re about to inflict in me.
Remember what I tell you before,
It was how sometimes when happiness begins to leave,
Love will stop becoming your wall of support,
And when everything is going down and fading,
What’s the use of holding on to love?
Even when the second chance comes your way.
For us both....
Whatever happens in the future,
Don’t regret this day,
When we both decided to let love go its separated ways.

Raining Day... I learn to live again

On every drown from the universe,
The world flooded from the crying sky,
I missed you the most in that time.
While being soaked and drenched by the sky,
My heart clenched in the coldness that wraps within me,
The numbness of my heart keeps the pain so ever,
Fresh in my last bit memories of you.
And all the fear and wound ripped back open,
All the time I took to heal it,
Wasted effort but nothing changed since.
I was always that girl that cry my pain in silence in front others.
And even when my heart broke too many times before my love,
It’s my heart, me he never sees crying.
I tried screaming the pain to release the burden that only weight me down,
But my voice never reached him even when I’m here before him.
I couldn’t love nor cry for myself cause all this time,
I only tried my best to savage what’s left between love and him.
I didn’t see loneliness coming till it knocked open my doors,
It took over me too soon before I could barely content my own heart at hand.
The feeling of trapped not able to go back or forward,
What do he knows about it.
I had to swallow that guilt for hurting him subconsciously,
I had to bear all the pain alone of being hurt in return.
I carried the blame on my shoulders and shut my heart from saying the truth.
Even when the truth could set me free from him...
Everyday I watch him hurt me, scared me deeper like a sharp knife,
Stabbing me and slicing through my skin.
While bleeding half dead here alone, no help came to aid me.
I remember me holding my knees to my chest to comfort my wounds,
Till I finally said to my soul “enough, this is enough!”
I hold back my tears for as long I recall how to start breathing again,
Run through those doors forced it open,
And the surrounding started raining that very day.
I recall myself... learning to live again...