What it takes to be just me..

You can never imagine what being me truly feels like...

So alive but at the same time so dead.

So full and whole yet so empty and broken.

So crowded outside yet so lonely inside.

So bright the world yet so dark in reality.

So strong physically yet so weak in strength.

So loud yet so silent by words.

You can never understand what it feels to be me...

Never happy but always angry,

Angry because the world is painful to live in,

Angry towards God for all the unfairness in life,

Angry at almost everything before my own eyes.

Angry about being abandon and unwanted.

Angry for being helpless and misfortunate.

Angry just about everything...

You must have wondered how I have lived on...

Whatever that envies me,

 Is marked down by the ragging anger inside,

And all the craving and desire I had buried deep within.

I pretended life to be a doll,

So well guarded by the strongest wall of fears.

Yet when the trouble comes shaking them,

I’ll turn around and kept digging in deeper,

Only to build up another layer of fear as my shield.

Buried myself deeper then the depth of the ocean,

So deep that I could feel the gates of hell are just underneath my feet.

They say someday...

Hell will really swallow me up.

It’s not that im ungrateful to be alive.

I do... if you had known me well,

But because i fear of what my future is,

Because i fear my own haunting past

I rather it be hell that come and take me away,

Maybe it’s not that bad you see...

Not every "Heaven" has a place for the good ones...

But for my case...

Due to my resentment towards life, 

I don't have the right to choose....

so this is what it truly is like to be me.... broken and alone...