How dying made me change…

I admit! I’m scared,
The day I knew I was dying,
It scares me the most since,
I never knew how lonely and incomplete my life was,
But I never voice out any thing…
I’m afraid that people could see me through my skin,
The real me that was afraid of love and pain.
Until I met you…
You were like a fresh new air surrounding me,
You couldn’t even tell a funny joke but you tried..
You humours and gesture were simple but sweet,
I love every second and every moment we are together…
Everything was better again,
Everyday was brighter and fun,
My friends were close,
And my parents still the same fighting….
Later on after my first treatment failed,
My insecurity became worst.
I knew since then I’m dying already…
My fright only makes me overprotective,
Everything became bad again.
Even when he finally say the 3 words I wanted the most,
I got scared…. So scared the I push him and everything else away,
I got scared that if I held on him now,
Someday he’ll leave me here,
As I’ve watched my parents did 20 years ago…

I always blamed them about everything,
My mother, she always tried her best to fix everything.
But everything she fix… don’t fit its places after that.
My dad, he never been around much,
Couldn’t remember the last time we had a conversation without arguing,
Some how I wish he would tell me he loved me back
My best friend, she’s expecting another child soon,
I miss her, I know she felt bad about me dying,
That the news of her baby reluctant her happiness toward me.
Someday, I wish I had the strength to tell her I understand her pain…
And that I forgive her for staying away when I needed her the most.
Julian…. My love,
I realise love is not love until you say it.
I loved you so much, so much that it scares me.
I wanted to be here with you always,
Not love you now but leaving you later.
You were the best thing God had given me.
The strength I need to overcome my worries and everything…
I’m just sorry that I’m leaving you behind,
Someday when it’s time im sure we’ll meet again.
Don’t cry for me when im gone,
You know how I hate to see all the sadness pouring for me,
Now I’m not scared of dying because,
In my last journey, God given me a chance to love you forever…

Teach me what love means to her...

Tell me how to love her,
How can i love someone who cannot love me back,
Teach me what it means to forget her,
Show me how i could stood there watching her leave,
And how i could numb and harden my heart from calling her back.
Teach me love when it’s fading and hanging by loneliness,
Tell me how i could put back pieces of my heart after letting her go.
Make me understand her happiness without me,
Tell me again how she survive the odds without me,
How she could throw me out of her life so easily,
Even when i had a hard time adjusting everyday without her.
Tell me.... how she does it.
I can never understand what giving and forgiving is in love.
But i tried my best to give whatever it takes to make her smile.
Maybe my effort is not enough...
Or I’m so lack in many areas when she’s here...
Still... I wanted her happiness above everything else.
So Love... teach me truly, what it means to love and not have her,
Because no matter what others say about my love,
From the bottom of my heart it’s her love that i really want to treasure,
Even when I’m being hurt by it for giving my share away...

....

What words cannot say,
The heart hides all the pain within,
The secret that cannot be reveal,
Please help me keep them well till i die.
Don’t tell him why it hurt him,
Why my action broke his heart…
Or why all this had to happen.
Because no matter what he did and said to me after,
I swear I’ll forgive everything unconditionally…

I remember how I saw him cry,
How he turns away and hid away and lied about his heart.
I watch how he faced everyday hiding his tears.
Smiling the soulless happiness.
Everyday I watch him struggle with himself,
No matter how much I regret doing what I did to him,
I cannot take back anything or change everything.