Late

Can’t turn away,
I took a deep breath,
Take in as much as I could,
Arrange my words in my mind.
And breathe out to say it…

My voice,
As much as I try to shout out to you,
They wouldn’t come out…
Even when I already wrote the lines,
The same line over and over again…

My heart…
It trembles with fear,
It aches in pain,
It’s shredded to pieces,
Still it hurts because it’s there.

These tears,
Why wouldn’t it stop flowing?
It kept on going,
Almost flooded my vision.
It became so dark now, I couldn’t see anymore.

Why does it have to hurt?
Why does it have to be so painful?
Why can’t we stay this way and not care what people say?
Why can’t we share this moment before we let go?
Why do we have to love if love is such a pain…?

We are standing at each end of the road,
Looking at one another, with such tearing eyes.
With no words to say, with no more love to care for…
We couldn’t even say ONE word to fix our heart,

This moment, where we are standing now,
So much regret and pain drowning our hearts,
That even as we try to reach out to each other,
We are always one step too late.

You, I , or Us?

I should have not wait that long to see it coming,
I should have been more honest with myself…
I shouldn't let it hurt me too long…
This love is such a pain…

I wish I’ve said my piece right,
I wish I had made a stand on my rights,
I wish I’ve made amendments,
This love is such regret…

I wanted what was mine, was it too much to ask?
I wanted to be happy too, was that difficult to attain?
I wanted you above all, was that too hard to understand?
This love is such confusion…

I didn’t want to be hurt because I’ve loved,
I didn’t want to cry because I’m pained.
I didn’t want to loose him because he left,
This love is suffering in silence…

If I could ask for just one chance, One chance…
I’ll play my cards right and avoid this love.
If all we ever did was getting hurt by loving,
Then we both are never meant to be.

It’s better we end it now,
Then trying to keep it going,
When all we do was hurt each other more…
Even when there are happy moments between us,
It’s not enough too keep our hearts beating as one.

Let’s just breakaway, give ourselves time to think it thru…
Is some day we know our heart begin to miss each other,
Then maybe we start over,
By then you would have change so did I.
Maybe then we make better decision then we did now.

But if we end up so far apart… unable to fix our bond,
Let’s not regret what we had,
Let’s not get hurt by all the lies between us or the things that pained us.
Should one day comes when we look back at us,
How much a mess we end up with and how hurtful we both were…
Honestly my heart can’t tolerate that much of regret anymore…

SCAR

There is something on my back…
I got it when I turn 8 years old. It was a gift from that woman. I still remember it so clearly how I got that ugly looking thing on my back. I almost died that day… had my parents not rush me to the hospital I could have just bleed to death. I still could recall the pain I had post surgery I felt like dying… even the doctors said it was almost too impossible to remove all those pieces of glass that pierce thru my skin.

Every time I look at the mirror,
I got so scared to look at myself. I saw that ugly looking scar that covers ½ of my back and those marks still clearly printed on my back.
I dare not stare too long because I’m disgusted at the sight of myself, maybe that is why even my biological mum felt disgusted when sees me…

You see, even after 12 years have past…
This scar… I can never fully recover from the pain of it,
And it doesn’t even give me strength to rise from it……

Another Saturday...

Every Saturday may seem a normal day…

But truth is, every counselling session is most dreadful to go through.
Sometimes… I felt like I’m talking to a mirror of my own reflection.
The things I’ve seen in them made me feel ashamed of being myself.
I’ve seen many kids whose lives are so unfortunate as mine, some grew up almost the way I am. Such sadness in this world only I knew the pain.

I said so many things to these kids, that when they told me their trusted person was me. I became so afraid to disappoint them but most of all I’m scared of my own truth. I’m not ‘God’ nor am I some ‘Angel’ sent down to them to make the world a better place for them. I’m just an ordinary person who is not needed even by my own parent.
I only thank God that no matter how unfortunate or mishap they had in life… they are still loved by people in their live. Honestly, I cannot imagine them going through what I had.

Being disappointed over and over again… these I’m used to but if I had courage like that boy I met today… I would have said something to straighten her thoughts about me… these days that became so numbered to my notice, I wished I had did something worth while we are still waiting for the end to come. But look at me, even though people say I’m strong, independent and thoughtful… I could never be that 10 year old boy who stood up and takes in all the anguish his mum gave him just to hope for her affection in return. Guess what at least he gets what he wants.

As for me. I’m afraid to even try, because each time I thought about her. All I could remember was that dirty and hatred look she gave me. I didn’t want to increase her pain nor do I want to hurt her by trying to be close to her. Maybe all these sound like an excuse but I’m afraid of getting my hopes up and then watch myself crash to the floor. I’m just pathetic. I just know one thing… when the time comes I’ll say my goodbyes and let her go, disappear from my sight. I just know that I’ll regret it but It’ll get better right. Tell me it will Uncle!

A Woman’s Heart..

Her love is like a curse,
A painful one that is the hardest to bare.
There is so much secrecy between two lines of words she spoke of,
So many untold tales and unfinished lies stringing together beneath her smile.
Her pride, was all she had left,
Watching her love stray away to someone else arms…
She accept everything even when it hurts her pride the most.
Watch her… as she hid the truth from the world.

The world and even you could judge her and accuse her of adultery,
But she will never reveal to you the truth even if it kills her.
She rather you hate her for all she did then to face your hatred towards the one person she love, that’s is your father.
The truth about him is all it takes to tear you apart.
But because she had loved him so, and would do all it takes to make you happy,
She takes all the blame and all your hatred,
Absorb all your criticism and still try to stand above it all as if everything never happen.
That is how she kept her pride and destroyed her image in your eyes…

This place where she first loved him, she’ll guard it with all her heart.
What do you know of this place?
To you it’s where you and your dad share everything…
To her, this very place where she first fall in love with him.
In a battle field like this, she’ll risk everything!
She would throw in her tramp card and set the world apart,
Even when she already knew the ending comes with such heartbreaking result.
Still she did all she possibly could to defend her rights.

A woman’s heart is difficult to anticipate…
Their way of expressing their love to wards their child is different,
Mostly because it’s hard to understand the little sacrifice they give unknowingly.
Their love for their child is up most importance to them,
But many find it so unbearable to return their love back to them…
That is why you rebel and only knew what you thought was right…
Wait my child, wait….
Until the day you learn of her sacrifice….

It takes so long to unveil the truth… do you dare to hear it for yourself?
How does it feels to know everything?
Realising all the time you spent hating someone like her…
When all she ever tried to do was preventing you from getting hurt.
She’ll tell you she’s no angel and how not noble of her…
Because keeping everything wrap inside a small box call the heart,
Is the selfish thing she did for her love…

Pride... dear love

So many left behind unsaid, undone… unfixed…
We got hurt with our words, but…
Still we couldn’t say one thing to keep us together.
All those love gone… wasted
We fought over little thing that don’t matter.
We fought over big things that only cause us pain…
All we ever did 4 each other was hurting one another…
But never once we tried to fix all those broken words,
Or even try to understand each other….
So many things we let slip thru our fingers.
The only thing we kept recalling are the pain we left in each other lives…
Still never once we look back at our happy times together.

Where did all that sweetness gone to?
Where did all those love go?
When did we start having doubt upon one another?
How did we grew so apart like this?

Now look at us…
See how much time we wasted thinking we could fix all this…
Now all we could say was “Let’s stop here, before we hurt each other again.”
You are standing on the left side while I’m on the right…
Looking at one another…
With no words to fully express what we felt as those words came out loud to our ears…
While staring I instantly knew how much regret we had toward each other.
I knew a part of us wanted to cry but still none of us wanted to show the weakness we had inside… Pride oh Pride… till the very end.
Let me be the first to cry now as I turn away from you…
So look at how much I never intended for all this heart breaking things to happen…
I’ll take my first step and leave you standing there…
Still no words was said to make all this disappear….
We said so many hurtful things but never could we say the one thing to make us stay together…