Dying Alone

Dying Alone…

Almost a week ago I promised someone that on the day he died… I would personally mail a letter to his family, whom never once I seen visited him since the day he was admitted with cancer spreading inside his body as he undergo a major operation.
Truth is, apart of me should have just mail it earlier instead of waiting… but another half of me said “No” I should keep my promised.

Although I’m not sure what he wrote in those letters, still I roughly could guess what it meant. There was once I saw him write it through the night, never once I saw him stopped crying as he hold his pen writing every words slowly. I saw some guilt in those eyes and some part of him I know if he was given enough chances he would say them instead of writing them down. Even as sympathised with the way he lead through his last days, never once have I seen him surrender to fate or given up upon himself.

But today, marks the saddest day in my life.
I saw it with my own eyes as he fought to stay alive till the very end. Even in so much pain I watched him taking his every last breath he even wrote on a piece of paper about the letters that I promised to mail for him once he was gone. There was a pinch of guilt that washed through my heart when I thought about those letters.

The thing that pissed me off is the word that those ungrateful brats said about their father. Could you believe when I called them to let them know about their father condition. They said “Why should we be care about that man? He is close to you what… So even in his last breath ask him to take it on his own!” God I was so angry that no words could described how I wish I could beat the life out of them.

Still I watch him lost his battle to cancer. Even in death you could tell there was some disappointment on that face when you clean him up. But none of my staff said a word at all. Deep inside many of us cried for him who left with his undying faith and belief. He was ever so patience and giving to many patient. He was every reason why most of us loved coming to work. It was him who have faith in me when I had nothing.

He was special to me. On my way home, I looked for a post mail boxed. Said a little pray and fulfil the promised. Although I cried… no one knew inside my heart I was screaming in anger and crying inside for a lost that should have been a proudest moment to his family was the strength he had to carry on living till his last moment…

Keinsafan di waktu terakhir.

Aku sentiasa berlalu di hadapan masjid,
Dan tidak pernah sekali ku langkah masuk dalamnya.
Aku melihat luahnya sebagai satu bangunan yang tidak punya makna.
Tak pernah terlintas dihati ku ingin meziarahi rumah Allah(s.w.a.)

Waktu pertama aku menyahut seruhan Ilahi,
Yang begitu syahdu, sewaktu aku mula merasa kekosongan akan hidupku.
Saat yang aku hampir hanyut dari pangkar kehidupan,
Bila aku mula rasa tenggelam dengan dunia penuh kezaliman.

Apabila aku buntuh dengan cara kehidupan ku,
Hanya dengan setapak masuk ke dewan solat,
Kedengar Azan yang berkumandang tanda masuknya solat subuh.
Di situ juga hati ku sayuh dan tenang rasanya.
Walaupun tak ku faham erti Azan itu...
Namun dapat kurasa air jernih membasahi wajar ku.

Setapak masuk...
Setapak itu lah aku mula rasa rendah diri padanya.
Walaupun aku tidak pasti mengapa ada secebis rasa kesedihan di hati ku.
Namun aku bersyukur dengan ketenagan itu.
Dari masa itu lah aku menyedari bahawa perubahan perlu dibuat.

Berapa kali aku cuba mengenali agama islam,
Yang sudah hapir bertahun- tahun aku abaikan.
Walaupun aku lemah memahami erti surah-surah Al Quran,
Tetapi apabila ia di baca, perasaan ku mula bercampur...
Rasa keinsafan, keredhaan, kesyukuran,
dan ketenangan bila mendengarnya.

Apabila aku mendalami sunah-sunah rasul ku.
Sayuh rasa hati ku akan perjuangan hidup beliau.
Dari perjalanan hidup rasul ku,
Ia banyak memberi ku pengajaran dan panduan dalam hidupku.
Tidak lagi aku rasa kegelapan di hati ku.

Akan tetapi bila bab kematian di sentuh,
Aku menyedari begitu banyak masa telah ku abaikan.
Begitu banyak dosa- dosa yang ku lakukan tanpa menyedari keadaan.
Aku menyesal akan cara hidup ku yang dahulu.
Aku redha padanya, Aku mohon keampunan.
Aku insaf padanya.

Tertanya diri sendiri,
Sempat kah aku membetulkan keadaan?
Sebelum Malaikat Izrail menjumput ku kembali pada Ilahi.
Cukup kah iman ku, untuk ku bawak berdepan denganya?
Terjawab kah aku bila di soal oleh Malaikat Munkar dan Nakir di kubur ku?
Mampukah aku mencium pintu syurga?
Rasa tak sanggup ku terseksa di neraka....

Sambil ku membayangkan semua itu...
Rasa ketakutan mula menguasai jiwa ku.