Secret

Here is a huge secret...

I am jealous...... Jealous of a sick teenager who is given lots of attention at my work place!

At first i envy her for the most supportive parents she had, despite their busy career they took time out on and off to stay with her every night.

She got a wonderful older brother who always visit her with chocolates and toys at hand... and a loving sister who always put a smile on her face..

Although the doctors can't seem to help her any longer... Truth is her time is not that long either.. They said that if she had another break down .. it would make her condition worst.. So her family have to be prepare for whatever might comes...

I know its so bad of me to be so jealous of a dying person... I just can't help it!!

Every time i was there watching my heart would whisper... "This kid is the most luckiest kid in this world. So much tender love and care are showered. She makes me feel very incomplete.. It would be good to have all that.."

But yesterday... as i was on Night Shift... She poured out to me for the first time... She cried a lot... I could tell where the concern comes. I know even though in front of her family she acts like a brave child, inside her still beats the heart that shivers the pain and afraid of being left alone in the darkness..

For that part.. I felt like connected to her... But i could never bring myself to tell her what it feels to be alone.. instead i told her that her parent's love is so deep as the ocean, it'll always will be there for her..

I just couldn't hurt her even when i wanted to..

Maybe the reason i never could say it was because i truly know what it feels like to be trap by your own pain and past..

Broken inside

You never see times when i cry ..

You never hear my voice screaming inside me..

The only thing you ever seen is this smile..

That never fails to leave my face..

But underneath all that mask i wore..

Lies a broken heart...

It has break all relation..

Serve all ties..

Hurt other's pride..

Tear too much happiness..

Then this heart breaks apart unconditionally..

Leaving behind tons of guilt and tears..

To accompany the rest of its journey..

Walking beside it like a shadow..

and breathing inside me like a soul..

These pain doesn't lessen..

Even with so much time waste..

Trying and trying to heal it.

It could only break apart and keep breaking...

...These is the reality of a broken heart...

Dear Mum.. I'm sorry

Like my Uncle knew that i met you like a month ago..

There so many things i wanted to ask... Too many answer that i need.

I would not ask you to keep me or why you threw me out of your life. But the only question that I need some answer are.. In these long 18 years did even thought of me once?

That day when we met..

I really thought you would hold me but you never did. I know you had your own family, a new life and a brighter future...all that doesn't add me to the picture.. But it breaks my heart when you said that was a mistake, and that you wish I never happen... that was hard to swallow but I have to, because I was the problem you had when you were in the middle of a divorce.

I wonder if you knew how i had to grow up... what would you do about times when i was beaten up that women or times when I cry my way to sleep every night? Did you ever worry about me at all? There are times when knowing that i am adopted... makes me hate my existence...

Right now no matter what i say would not reduce the harm and pain I've caused you over these years but i just want you to know that I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry... wish I could do something to make tings right for you, but what? i can only promise you that I never look you up again... that is my promise.

I hope you are happy with your family and i always pray that happiness shall never leave you...